21-Day Fix Days 6-8

Day 6

Snack that ended up being lunch, I couldn't
eat it all. (Guacamole, tortilla chips, leftover
cucumber/watermelon salad.

The Food

My usual coffee shake was perfect for breakfast.  At church, it was tough to not drink my usual sweet iced coffee they provide during summer!
We joined friends for lunch at Jason's Deli where I got the salad bar and stocked up on veggies and protein.  Jason's Deli is a good place to eat clean.

 The Workout
Yoga Fix! I love yoga and have missed practicing, so today was a treat.

Day 7

The Food

Breakfast food, since I was out of my shake.

With Independence Day holidays, we vegged around the house all morning, then went to a friends' house for dinner. They made fantastic fajitas, to sticking to the Fix food was easy! We had lots of fresh fruit and veggies, homemade guacamole, steak, chicken, sausage, rice, beans and tortillas.
I passed on sodas, but no other sugary or processed food was even around, so it was easy and enjoyable to eat well.

The Workout

I missed it!  No good reason other than I didn't do it early in the morning. By the time we went to our friends' for dinner, then picked up the boys from camp and went back to pick up the older kids, I was too sleepy to attempt a serious workout.  Lesson learned: workout early!!!

Day 8

The Food
No shake again this morning, so I made eggs and zucchini.  Shakes are certainly my breakfast of choice.  Most mornings, I'm not in the mood to eat food.  The coffee shakes fill my coffee craving and give me the nutrition I need in a breakfast.
Before lunch, I hit HEB and got a few single-packs of protein powder.  I had one after my workout, which was perfect.
Today is my husband's birthday!  I made him his favorite ice cream cake and opted for a bowl of berries for myself.

The Workout
I was dreading this one!  Today was Cardio Fix, which made me nauseated when I did it last week.  This time, I ate several hours before the workout, then saved the shake for after the workout.  It still kicked my butt and I had to stop and catch my breath a few times, however, I never felt nauseated.  One of these days, I'll get all the way through it without having to stop!

21-Day Fix Day 5

Day 5

The Food

Another big win from emeals clean eating menu!

Tomato, Cucumber, and Watermelon Salad

2 C watermelon
2 large tomatoes
1 large cucumber
1/3 C red onion, thinly sliced
1 T white wine vinegar (I just used white cooking wine)
1 t honey (not on the 21-Day Fix list, but it's one teaspoon for a huge bowl that would serve at least 10 people. The photo above is the serving bowl after about 3 servings were gone. It makes a big salad!)
2 T olive oil
1/3 C feta cheese

I kept the feta on the side (you could do the same with the oil) so I could measure it before adding to mine.  Again, that tiny blue container was actually much more than I needed or wanted on a scoop of this amazing summer salad.  It is SO good, ya'll!

It's become clear over the past few days that I'm okay not eating sugar when I've determined to be off sugar for a certain amount of time.  This time around, I'm thinking in rest-of-my-life terms, so will have to come to some type of understanding with myself.  Allow sugar one time per week?  Once a month?  Quit altogether?  This much is true: once I start the sugar train, I can't get off.  It's truly an addiction. It messes with my brain and body in very real ways and presents very real health risks if I continue my current rate of weight gain and inactivity.  The answer isn't clear yet, but it's the mind part of this "fix."  Maybe I should make "The Mind" the third category and "The Spirit" the forth.

The Workout

The hubs and me at Townlake Y.
Sorry, Snapchat takes mirrored pics.

Ken and I dropped the boys off at summer camp, then headed up the road to the beautiful Townlake YMCA.  He headed for the sauna and hot tub while I headed for the weight room.   I was unable to find a nifty, low-profile place to set up my computer and the Y was busy, so decided to do my own workout.  I don't recommend skipping an actual video, but you have to improvise sometimes.

I did two rounds of upper body exercises (bench press, lat pull down two ways, tricep kick backs, shoulder press, upright row, bicep curl, lower back extensions), then spent 10 minutes stretching on one of those stretching machine thingies.  I love those.  My last 10 minutes was spent on my favorite cardio machine.

Tomorrow, I'll be back to the DVDs with Yoga Fix!

21-Day Fix Day 4

Day 4

The Workout

I opted for the Pilates Fix today.  Since no equipment was needed, I did the workout from home.  I recorded half of the workout in time-lapse and thought about sharing it here, but NO WAY!  It's so embarrassing!  Maybe one of these days.  But no.  Really.  No.  But here's a tiny screen shot.

Pilates Fix

When I hit the halfway mark of the workout, Mater (my Jack Russell Terrier) was sitting in front of my face, shaking.  I think he was worried I might die.  I didn't. I lived. I mean, I'm here typing this, so...

But my butt, hips, and core burned!  I mean they were on FIRE! Probably messed up, but I like it. And hate it.  It just feels good to be doing something to get my fitness back!


The Food

I drank my usual coffee shake for breakfast.  I'm almost out of the mix, so it's time to create my own shake!  I had leftover dinner for lunch, then this beautiful meal below for dinner.  I cooked the clean eating e-meals recipe for my family and it worked for me, too!
I couldn't eat it all.  Those containers look so freaking small, but once portion stuff out, it's a lot.  It really helps me see I was visualizing portion sizes incorrectly.  This is 1.5 yellow (carbs), 1.2 green (veggies, the broccoli and mushrooms), and one red (protein).  A teaspoon of olive oil with the potatoes. I ate all of the broccoli, but couldn't eat all of the meat and potatoes.  I had just enough leftovers to save for tomorrow's lunch.

I notice this plan involves clean eating, which has proven to be effective for me.  Adding in the workout portion has been critical.  I could feel my fitness slipping over the past 3 years and know as I move through my 40s, it will only be more difficult to start and maintain.  It feels good to start now.

I'll be meeting with my coach some time this week and can't wait to share that with you all!

21-Day Fix Day 3

Day 3

The Food

Garden-picked veggies and turkey with some salsa.

Had a shake again for breakfast.  Chike Mocha High Protein Coffee is good with a frozen banana mixed in and it helps remove my need to drink my usual sweetened hot coffee in the morning. This weekend, I plan to experiment with making my own "superfood" smoothie.

I had a lunch meeting at Galaxy Cafe, so checked the menu before going and ordered the grilled salmon salad.  For dinner, the family ate burgers and I cooked some turkey and fresh veggies from our next door neighbor's garden!  Again, I wasn't able to eat enough food to fill every container.

At around 10pm, I started craving sugar. I just drank some water because I really wasn't hungry.  Now it's 11pm and I'm so sleepy, I don't care about the sugar craving any more.




The Workout

My legs are sore!  The act of sitting down is, well, something.  My butt is sore!  So I was thrilled to do Upper Fix today.  Again, I set up at YMCA (DVD sound off, closed captions on, earbuds in for my own separate soundtrack), and did the 30 minutes.  It didn't kill me like the Cardio Fix and Dirty 30, but I couldn't do several of the exercises for the full 60 seconds without breaking: plank, push ups, and one of the ab exercises.  Now I have a goal to work toward. 5 hours after the workout, I was feeling it in my obliques.  Good to know they are still in there somewhere.

21-Day Fix Day 2

Day 2

The Food:

I started my day with another protein shake. I'm not drinking Shakeology right now, because $$$$!! I do not enjoy the taste of stevia, so it feels counterintuitive to pay $4+ per shake for something I don't like that much.  I've been reading up on making my own shakes with quality protein powder, super greens, frozen fruits, etc.  I'll keep working on my own blends and sampling other brands and let you know what I come up with.  I love protein shakes and smoothies, so this is fun for me!  I truly wish I liked Shakeology, but unless the recipe has changed vastly over the past 3 years, I can't stand the taste. 

I made a 21-Day Fix crepe since my kids asked me to make their favorite "Joy of Cooking" crepe for brunch. 

Crepe: 1 red, 2 yellow (cashew milk and flour), 2 oils, 1 purple if you add fruit!

• 2 eggs
• 1/3 cup of original cashew milk
• 2 tsp coconut oil, blended with a few tablespoons of hot water to keep the oil in liquid form
• 1/4 cup unbleached flour (or GF flour substitute)
• Top with any 21-Day Fix approved food. Berries are my favorite choice, but you could use nut butters, cacao nibs, cheeses, etc. 

For lunch, my younger daughter and I shared a simple salad with grilled chicken. For dinner, we met friend out at my favorite Thai place, Sap's. Their Tom Kha soup is ahhhmazing and a clean meal. I ate a portion that would fit in my plan and it was perfect.  We have lots of leftovers.  This is the second day when 2 blue portions made sense for me (the coconut milk used in the soup), so I feel good about it.

I'm lacking vegetables, though. Even with the salad I ate today, I had 2 greens at best.  I should be eating 4-5.  Time to work in zoodles!

I miss my slightly sweetened coffee, but I'll find my coffee perfection at some point.

The Workout:

One thing is clear. I'm out of shape. For someone who has historically been athletic, I'm SO out of it right now. The upside is that I'll see a lot of fitness progress over the next 21 days!

I got up this morning and decided to hit the cardio workout first thing.  I like Autumn's style of leading the workout and got off to a great start.  Then 15 minutes in, which is the half-way point, I started feeling nauseated!! I literally couldn't continue.  I had to stop and put my head down between my knees.  One mistake I made was to drink a smoothie right before starting the workout.  Won't be doing that again.  The other factor is just that I've not been physically active lately, let alone challenging myself.  So, it. kicked. my. butt!  

I let a bit of time pass, did some prepping of my house for the house cleaner to come (yes, I do that), threw a little pity party for myself, then later in the afternoon, carted my Macbook with me to the YMCA and did my workout there.  I'm not opting to purchase weights at the moment, but the YMCA has everything I need and more.  

My set-up. Behind me are more weights, yoga balls, mats,
balance platforms, and more.

Once I arrived and turned on the DVD, I realized the workout I'm "supposed" to do today (Upper Fix) wasn't on the DVD I had with me, so I opted for "Dirty 30."  It swiftly kicked my butt, but I did get through 25 minutes before wanting to die, and I stuck through the final 5 minutes.  One particular exercise, side-plank leg-raises, makes my hip cramp up SO badly that I can't even do it. What's up with that?!

When I headed downstairs after my workout, my legs almost buckled under me!  Noodle legs instantly!

Overall, I feel great. It's 9pm and my lower body and shoulders are already feeling "noodle-y." I actually love that feeling, so bring it on!

21-Day Fix

"Fix"
I'm not totally fond of that term in the way Beachbody intends it. Like somehow if I shed some pounds I'll be "fixed."  But at the same time, it fits my situation.

If you click back through this blog, covering a span of years, you'll see clearly there is an issue with my body/spirit connection that needs to be fixed.  My last post was over a year ago. I was in a great place and cautiously optimistic.  The caution came from years of stops and starts, weight loss and weight gain, caring and not  caring.

Well, here I am 13 months after my last post, having lost 23 pounds before fall 2015, then gaining almost every single pound back since.  That is my pattern.

I recently listened to one of my favorite podcasts, This American Life.  "Tell Me I'm Fat" was an excellent episode. I highly recommend reading or listening (transcript available through the link). Writer Lindy West shared her story of "fat acceptance."  She actually began "coming out" as fat.  Even though her friends and family could see her, it was like a dirty secret no one talked about, so she started coming out: stating factually to those around her that, "I'm fat. And I'm okay with that. I like who I am and I like my size."  She challenges people to alter their standard of beauty.  Explore why you define beauty the way you do.  Who influences your thoughts and why?

Her boss, on the other hand, adamantly argued with her that "fat acceptance" is foolish due to the health risks.  He deemed fat rolls as "unsightly" and publicly shamed fat people in his articles.

Another woman, Roxane Gay, hasn't yet come to a place of loving her body. She talks about how she differentiates "Lane Bryant fat" with "can't buy conventional clothes or sit in conventional chairs" fat. Roxane is also a woman of color and discusses that angle of how people perceive her.

Listening to the podcast made me realize I'm certainly not okay with being fat.  I'm not like Lindy, who truly came to a place where she sees herself and other fat people as perfectly fine just the way they are.  I'll be honest and say that I try to not judge other people, but I do. I literally size people up. And it has everything to do with me and nothing to do with them. It's my own mess in my head and that is what needs to be fixed. So I wonder, is my perception because of society's definition and push of an ideal beauty?  Is it because I personally don't feel "right" when I'm overweight?  Is it because I don't believe our human bodies were designed by God to carry so much extra weight?

I do not, and have not for many many years, feel that I, nor anyone else,  should meet the ideals pushed on us by media and even government standards of "health."  Those BMI calculators have always been a joke. Even when I've been at my lowest weight and peak physical performance, I'm still considered to be at the top range of "normal weight."  If I'm 5'4" and 146 pounds, which would be a very healthy, good place for me (even 155 would be a good weight for my body), I would be considered overweight.

So, it's clear that the "fix" is more for my brain than anything.  Reading my last blog, I was doing well and not seeing a regression in sight. But by November, I was rapidly increasing my sugar and wheat intake and the weight gain followed instantly.

It's tempting to go back and delete this entire blog. It's embarrassing to read my confident statements, my expressed resolve, then admit I am where I am now.

But I'm keeping it there.  The truth is the truth.  I'm starting the 21-Day Fix today, then meeting with a friend who happens to also be a personal trainer, Beachbody coach, and life coach.

Added to this physical journey is a spiritual aspect I'll share later.

Let me admit freely. I'm not really looking forward to this.

Coming up: Daily Report
How to Do 21-Day Fix on a Budget

Thorns and Switches

It's been six and a half weeks since I embarked on the new way of eating.  Something is different this time around.  A switch has been turned off.  It's no small thing, either.  This is something I've prayed about for years and years.  I can't count the times I've begged God to "take this thorn from my side."  He didn't, for whatever reason.  My "thorn" was overeating, dieting, losing and gaining weight, and constantly thinking about and being dissatisfied with my weight.

This time, it's different.  For the first time since...I don't know when...ever?  I don't eat when I'm not hungry, because I don't want to.  When I'm full, I stop eating.  For many of you, this may have been your norm for your entire life, but it hasn't been for mine.  I vividly remember in my late elementary days, going to a friend's house and seeing a huge chocolate bar in her closet.  She pulled it out, took one bite, then put it back up in the closet.  She had been eating chunks off it for weeks and weeks.  I was shocked that anyone could keep candy in their own room and not eat it all instantly.  It was a complete foreign concept to me.

As an adult, I've certainly had a sugar addiction.  While I could keep a certain sugary treat around for a few days, it was only because I was eating other sugary stuff multiple times daily.  That seemed to falsely tell my body I was still hungry, because I was always eating something.  I don't think I went more than a couple of hours without putting something in my mouth.  I felt constantly over-full.  Like I've said before, I never binge-ate any one thing, but would "graze" all day with either food or drinks, the calories adding up and up and up while my weight followed.  My mind was constantly consumed (pun intended) with either food, weight, how full I felt, or how disgusted I was with myself.  Yet I kept shoving stuff down my throat.

Over the past six weeks, there's been a shift.  I eat when I'm hungry.  Often, I get hungry (my stomach actually growling/cramping to tell me I need to eat) and let the hunger pass because I'm not where I can eat something good for me.  The hunger passes, then returns and I eat when I can.  I don't die.  I don't pass out.  I don't binge once I get access to the healthy food.  I feel so hungry sometimes, I think I'll eat a lot, but then I eat a small amount of food and find myself full.   So I stop.  Typing it out, it seems like "of course.. this is how it should be."  But it hasn't been like this for me; even when I've lost weight before, I spent a lot of my time meal-planning, looking at recipes, thinking about different foods to try.  That's not happening now.  I keep healthy choices on hand, plan my family's meals for the week, and eat when I'm hungry, which seems to happen 2-4 times a day, depending on my activity that day and what I'm eating.

By the way, I've had a 3-pack of Trader Joe's dark chocolate with almonds in my closet for a week now.  Every 2 or 3 days, I'll eat a square.  I've not even made it through one bar yet.  I forget it's there.  When I see it, I don't always want it.  This is an amazing breakthrough for me.

I've thanked God for taking the thorn from my side, but I also feel cautious in doing so.  I feel like I'm being cocky; like when God hears me, he'll pull the rug out from under me.  I KNOW that's not how God works, but that's what runs through my messed-up mind.

I'm down about 15 pounds.  Weight loss seems to come in waves.  I'll lose a couple-to-3 pounds in one week, then not lose anything the next week.  I weigh every day, but still don't let the flatlines or small weight gains discourage me.  Weighing every day helps me remember my goals and keeps me on track.  For the first time, I don't hate the scale.  I am who I am and am okay with myself, no matter what the numbers read.

I have not been working out during these six weeks, but this week, I started back to heated Vinyasa yoga at my gym.  I forgot how much I love it!  It felt SO good on Wednesday night, then I was sore everywhere on Thursday.  Friday, I did a restorative yoga class, then was back to Vinyasa this morning.  As for now, I adore going.  I'm not going to push myself to run or do any activity I dread.  Today, our family went hiking, which is another activity I love and have plenty of opportunity to do in this town!

30 Days of the Whole(ish)30

Tomorrow marks 30 days without grains or sugar.  I refer to what I'm doing as the Whole30, although I'm doing an altered version of the strict 30-day plan.  One-and-a-half years ago, I did the strict Whole30 and had success, but didn't see myself keeping up that pace for the rest of my life.  After putting on even more weight during 2014, then reading so much about food and how it effects mental wellness, I decided something had to give.

Since I didn't follow the Whole30 Program Rules to the letter, what did I do?  Below, in bold, are the program rules along with my own comments explaining what I have been doing over the past 30 days and how I plan to live from here on out.

Yes: Eat real food.
--> I did this.

No: Avoid for 30 days.

• Do not consume added sugar of any kind, real or artificial.
  --> I used CoffeeMate Naturals in my coffee every morning. I also made just a couple of recipes, such as orange chicken stir-fry, with a little bit of coconut nectar.  I won't hesitate to use maple syrup on my paleo crepes or protein pancakes.
• Do not consume alcohol in any form, not even for cooking.
  --> I didn't consume alcohol. To me, it's not worth the calories/weight gain.
• Do not eat grains.
  --> I followed this to the letter, except for two special occasions. (see below)
• Do not eat legumes.
  --> I followed this until day 29, when I made my corn and bean salad. As long as legumes don't upset my stomach, I'll occasionally include them in my diet.
• Do not eat dairy.
  --> I used the CoffeeMate Naturals every morning and also had yogurt one day. 
• Do not consume carrageenan, MSG or sulfites.
  --> This is pretty easy when you're not eating processed foods.
• Do not try to re-create baked goods, junk foods, or treats* with “approved” ingredients. 
  --> While I didn't re-create baked goods, I did enjoy some "junk foods" with whole ingredients.  See some of my favorites here.  I made sweet potato french fries a few times and snacked on some potato chips (only ones made with only potatoes, oil and salt) on a few occasions.  These convenience foods were very handy when we were on our road trip and while we went camping last week.  While the family enjoys s'mores, it's a lot more fun to be enjoying Go Raw's Super Chocolate Cookies than to have nothing. I also attended a wedding for the first time in years. While there, I enjoyed a very small piece of wedding cake. Eating is social and fun; this is where I've been able to come to a place of balance over the past 30 days.  I much more enjoyed the people, conversations and celebrations than I did the food that happened to be in front of me.

One last and final rule: You are not allowed to step on the scale or take any body measurements for the duration of the program.
-->I did weigh myself, almost every day.  I've found that I don't weigh when I know I'm gaining weight.  Because of the balance I'm finding, I'm able to weigh and not feel like giving up when the numbers don't move.

If you read from the beginning of this blog, you'll see that I've struggled with weight and body issues for 85% of my life.  During my adult life, my weight has ranged from 130 to 215.  Even at my lowest weight, I wasn't satisfied with my body.  I certainly wasn't happy with my priorities during that time.  Looking back on old photos, I can see now that I looked nice, but just always felt like a blob.  This time around, I'm trying to focus on being content and even happy with myself at each turn. I remind myself that my friends have always liked me and been there for me regardless of what the scale says. I'm the only one hating myself for my weight.  The weight needs to come off for my well-being, not for my ego.  Do I feel good about myself when the weight comes off? Yes!  Will I enjoy being thinner?  Yes.  This time around, I'm just not making that the focus.  If you're curious about the numbers, I've lost 12 pounds over the past month. Eight pounds came off during the first 10 days, then 4 more pounds dropped over the next 20.

As with the first time I did the Whole30, I noticed that I haven't obsessed over food. I haven't craved food nor have I over-eaten.  There is certainly something in processed food that makes me want to keep eating it despite being full.  It also seems that sugar fuels my craving for more sugar.  For the past 30 days, food has been fuel and not an addiction.  That is why, on the camping trip, I ate a bite of s'mores and then stopped because I truly didn't want to eat more. In addition, I had no guilt over eating it.  I'm praying this new way my brain works will continue.

Eating like this can be time-consuming.  It can also cost more.  An apple costs more than a box of mac and cheese.  I can buy 2-3 12-oz. bags of Doritos for the price I pay for one 4 oz. Go Raw snack.  An 8-pack of nitrate-free, organic, all-beef hot dogs costs 4 times what "regular" hot dogs cost.  A dozen organic eggs cost about $1.50 more than non-organic.  One pound of organic grass-fed beef costs at least $2.50 more than the usual ground beef.  When you have a family of 7, all of whom enjoy snacking, that adds up to more money and more time in the kitchen.  There are times I feel like I'm constantly chopping, preparing, and cleaning up food.  (A mandolin is my next kitchen purchase!)  While my grocery bill is higher, we have saved no less than $30 per week not eating out or buying sodas and sweet tea, so it all comes out in the wash.

The kids are eating very little sugar and only some grains.  My child who has been struggling with depression has not adopted the Whole30 program yet, but is doing well in that she's reducing sugar and grains.  This kid is totally blowing me out of the water at the gym.  She sometimes goes twice a day to work out or swim, then spends some time in the steam room, hot tub and shower.  Lifetime Fitness has been a great coping technique for this child. I'm proud of her.

To further update you about her, she's currently off all psych/mood medications. As her psychiatrist stated, she'd like to get to know my child "without the muddy waters."  The combination of getting off her meds plus quitting all the grains and sugar "cold turkey" was overwhelming.  My child felt she didn't have any control over her own body and choices.  Therefore, she's making changes on her own timeline.   Even with the positive changes she's making, her weight continues to go up.  We are in the process of getting a referral to an endocrinologist to see if her thyroid is wreaking havoc on her body.  That poor girl!  Her body suffers so much.  Her mind is still giving her a lot of trouble, too, but she's been coping.  I'm ready for her body and mind to give her a break and support the amazing person she is instead of weighing her down and holding her back.  As always, your prayers are coveted!

In my next post, I'll share a bit about how I'm feeling different since adopting this way of eating.

Fabulous by 40

As I was talking myself in to blogging here consistently for my last year in my 30s, I came upon this unpublished post from when I was following the Whole30 Challenge:

"My favorite foods on the Whole 30:

eggs, spinach (cooked just enough to barely wilt), red bell pepper, avocado and salsa

chicken or shrimp curry (choice of meat with coconut milk, curry and other spices, chunks of sweet potato. YUM! My entire family loved this.)

salads - mostly spinach and arugula and cilantro blended - with all kinds of veggies and maybe some apple mixed in.  I add a touch of Bragg's sesame ginger dressing. (It has a little honey and olive oil, but I made the choice to use this dressing anyway. You decide for yourself.)

smoothies - banana, avocado, date paste (I make it with dates and water), cocoa powder, coconut milk and maybe strawberries

lettuce wraps - any meat I like plus veggies, sweet potato chunks, other veggies, salsa and avocado. Good with sesame paste (tahini), too.

chili

soup - sweet potato, butternut squash, coconut milk, and some other good stuff.  Wowza!

raw almonds, cashews, and apples for snacks.

mousse, made with dates, coconut milk and cocoa powder"

This entry reminded me how many good foods I was eating while following this plan. It also made me think about the junk I've been eating while NOT following the Whole30.  So I'm going back to following the Whole9.  So I'll call what I'm doing the "Partial 30."  Heh.

I have a major goal of being happy with my physical self by the time I reach 40.  The months will pass quickly this year, so I know I need to get on it now.  NOW.

When you set a goal, a popular tool to reach that goal is to create an inspiration board.  Here are some of my inspirations:

Click on the photo to see my Pinterest inspiration board.

2005-06 Running an early-morning 5K. Got 3rd in my age group.

Less than 5 years ago. I'd like to be back here.

I choose these older photos of myself because, both times, I was still not totally satisfied with my body.  I still complained about my poochy stomach.  Looking back, I was an idiot.  I was consistently exercising and I ate less of the foods I liked.  My inspiration isn't some chick with tanned skin and washboard abs. My goal is a healthy version of myself, who enjoys walking, running, yoga, and bootcamp-type workouts on a regular, weekly basis.  A healthy version of myself, makes wise choices with my diet, and truly enjoys eating my favorite foods in moderation.

45 1/2 weeks.  318 days that will pass weather I am active or inactive.  Time to get busy!

The Funk that Won't Go Away

[This is an April post copied post from my other blog.]

It's hard to believe I posted this entry in November of last year, but I did!  I went looking for this old entry and figured I posted it back in February or something.  I was shocked that it was from November!

I had posted:

"Because of the season of life I'm in (nearing 40, newly-expanded family, major life-changing move, and weight gain that ticks me off greatly), I've been experiencing days feeling very low.  I've blogged before about how I don't like using the word "depressed" lightly, so I don't think I'll use it here.  But I've been feeling dark, low, melancholy, aimless, and tired."

Since November, those feelings didn't go away.  Oh, they might subside for a time, but would rear their ugly heads at any random time.  In addition to those feelings, I was experiencing an overwhelming feeling of failure.  

These feelings would manifest themselves by my simply giving up and doing nothing.  I felt so overwhelmed by everything I wasn't accomplishing that I felt I should be accomplishing, that I would want to just stay inside all day.  

By nature, I'm an optimistic person.  Even when I've felt "down" in the past, I haven't felt so paralyzed.  I'm also very social and outgoing.  So the fact that I was turning inward and hated leaving the house and being around lots of other people gave me a clue something wasn't right.  

In addition to my own feelings, I had two different girlfriends come right out and ask me if I thought I might be depressed.  One of these friends gave me a book about women and depression and the other just flat-out told me I needed to go see a doctor....the next day and said she'd watch my kids so I could go in.  (Might I add that these ladies are true-blue friends!! It takes guts to be so honest and I'm immensely grateful.)

I wouldn't have thought I was depressed, because I appeared to be functioning okay, but when I opened the assessment in the book "Unveiling Depression in Women," I cried for half an hour, reading through it and seeing myself in a majority of the descriptions.

I wanted to stay in almost all the time.
I dreaded going out and talking to or seeing people.
I was either sad or just numb for hours at a time.
More than anything, I felt an overwhelming sense of failure in every area of my life.
Reason, logic, nor "pep talks" would help me feel better.
In addition to the failure, I felt like I couldn't pick myself up and dig my way out of the pit this time.

What confused matters for me was that I still had a lot of joy in my life.  I love my husband and my satisfaction with him hadn't changed.  I adore my kids...they all bring me so much deep joy it's hard to put into words.  I like where we live and where we go to church.  There wasn't one thing I could put my finger on that would explain why I felt depressed.  Before I experienced depression for myself, I wouldn't have understood it.  It was just a feeling of oppression.  Lethargy.  Failure.  And I knew I couldn't function that way for very long.

One of my girlfriends had offered to watch my kids, so I took them to her house and went to see a doctor.  I'm so glad I did.  It took some humility, that's for sure.  I struggled with thoughts like:


If you prayed more, you'd not be depressed.
If you were a good mom/wife, you could get yourself out of this funk.
You stink at homeschooling. You used to be good at it, but not any more.
Only people unwilling to change end up taking meds for depression.

But I'm at the point in my life where I don't really mind admitting I need help and then asking for it.  The doctor was able to verify that I did need a bit of a "reboot" and, a month later, I'm feeling much better.   I still have some work to do just to get back into the groove of life, but I feel a lot better.

I considered not posting this.  There is some risk in airing very personal information.  People may misunderstand, misinterpret, or assume things that aren't true.  However, I've logged our journey this far...the good and the bad.  The stresses and joys.  This is something that hit me; I never would have expected it.  My hope is that if anyone reading this ever feels overwhelmed, even if not to the point of being depressed, they would seek help...from friends, church, counselors, and doctors if needed.  There 

The Anti-New Year Resolution

I'm all for fresh starts.  As a believer in Christ, I know His mercies are new every morning. (Lamentations 3:22-23) and that, in Christ, I'm a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).  When I mess up and ask for forgiveness, the slate is clean (I John 1:9).

Over the years, however, I've grown a bit cynical of New Year's Resolutions.  The way I see it, if I'm resolving to do something, then I should just do it.  (Yeah, right...do you read this blog?)  I've also had 30-something years of NOT following through with resolutions, so when I begin thinking of the fresh start brought in with a new year, I decide that I'm going to start anything, it most certainly will not be on January 1.

With that being said, and if you have read any of my previous posts, you know I should be jumping on the New Year's Resolution bandwagon and riding it into the sunset of fitness, health and peace.   So why am I not doing that?

I'm scared.  I'm afraid.  I'm scared of giving up things I love, like comfort-eating and lounging in my warm bed on cold mornings.  I'm afraid of failure; of disappointing myself one more time.  At this point in my life, I've lost and gained back weight (20-40 pounds) about three times.  All three times, I lost weight by reasonably eating less and exercising more.  All three times, I was certain I was keeping it off for good.

So this year, when I find myself at my highest weight ever, I also find my usually-upbeat, optimistic self being very pessimistic.  While I feel like not even trying, I know that if I keep going in my current direction, I'll be qualifying as a contestant on The Biggest Loser by the time I'm 40.  Hmm..maybe I should do that: gain another hundred pounds, go on The Biggest Loser, win The Biggest Loser title, take home the $250,000 prize and become a famous spokesperson and public speaker.

Okay, okay, I know that's not reasonable.  So here's what's swimming around in this doubtful brain of mine:
--I went to boot camp through the end of the year, but getting up that early is killer at this season of my life. With older kids who stay up until 10:00pm and toddlers who wake early, late night is my time to live in a silent house.  My friends and I are all currently on the fence about if we'll go this year or not.

--I was considering the half-marathon training, but a good friend of mine shared wisdom with me that changed my decision.  Together, this friend and I will start working toward a 5K in the early Spring, then a Fall 10K, then look at a half-marathon in 2013.  My friend said she often sets goals based on what she used to could do, which sets her up for disappointment.  I used to run 3-5 miles three times per week.  I could manage a 7 or 8 mile long run and would even be giddy the morning before.  Times have changed.  I don't run consistently, so I'm basically starting over.  I need to treat myself like a new runner.  A new, very slow runner.

--This same friend has challenged me to do a "Reboot" with her.  We start the first phase this week.  Yes, on January 8th, not the 1st!  See what I did there?

A few other resolutions I made this week that have already paid off:
--Fix my hair and put on makeup in the morning.  I'm not much of a makeup and hair girl, so for me, this just means blow-drying my hair so it looks smooth, then putting on some lipstick, eyeliner and blush.  The first day I did this, my husband brought home, with little notice, a co-worker visiting from out of state.  Later in the week, I had just finished applying my eyeliner when a got a phone call from a prospective employer.  It was a videophone call, so being out of my PJs and looking presentable paid off!

--Prioritizing school.  I feel great about how school went this week.  It wasn't perfect and I still need to find more creative ways to motivate the boy, but we accomplished more this week than we have any other week last year.  One way I prioritized was school over a tidy house.  I find myself wanting to clean up every mess the little boys make, but that totally interrupts our school time and distracts the kids.  This week, if I saw a mess, I just told myself, "We have set times during the day to do a quick tidy-up.  We'll take care of that later."

--We completed our first week using Accountable Kids.  The first several days, my older girl and oldest boy didn't seem too motivated to follow the system.  However, when they saw their sister earning tickets, bonus bucks, and stars, they found their motivation!

Here's to us all finding the motivation to accomplish our resolutions in 2012!  If you didn't succeed your first week of 2012, who cares?!  Make the anti-New-Year resolution and just pick up and start now.

Thankful for Consistency

It's only been a week and a half, but hey, that's better than the big, fat nothing I've been doing for the past almost year now.

A week ago Monday, I started back to boot camp.  It helps tremendously that four girlfriends are meeting me there.  That really helps me get my butt out of bed on Mondays and Fridays.

Boot camp only meets twice a week, though, and we took off for Thanksgiving week, so that meant it was up to me to get out and do some workouts.

Monday 14: Boot camp
Wednesday 16: 2.5 mile run/walk
Friday: Boot camp
Saturday: Ran/walked 2.5 then 3.11 miles
Tuesday: Ran 2 miles, did some boot camp moves in the middle
Wednesday: Ran/walked with stroller 3.25 miles
Thursday: Rode bike 30 minutes, free weights 15 minutes

I really have no excuse not to get to the gym.  This is my view out my balcony:

See the balcony just above the pool?  That's our very well-stocked, 24-hour gym.  I've only been a handful of times since moving here.

Most people know that fitness is 20% workouts and 80% diet, so I've begun using livestrong.com's My Plate app.  I know from experience that restricting any one type of food does not work for me, so I've just been keeping track of what's going in my mouth.  It helps me decide what's worth it and what is not. Like Beth Moore reminded me in "The LORD God Made Woman,"


Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial.  Everything is permissible, but I will not be mastered by it.  I could have that today if I wanted to, but I don't want to.  Come Thanksgiving, I'm going to have some pecan pie, amen? And I'll bless it and thank God for it. {paraphrased}

Another plus to running? Nice views.

So that's what I've done.  And even with two Thanksgiving dinners during my first week, I still took off two pounds. Pounds.  That's another issue.  In the past, I've let that pesky number master me. (See Beth's reminder of scripture above.) I've let the number on the scale master me.  However, it does prove beneficial for me to keep an eye on my weight or I simply end up neglecting it.  So, I'm purposing to only weigh once per week.  And if I'm not happy with the number, I think back on the positives of the past week and decide to not log my weight for that week.  Often, it's a temporary thing, as my weight can fluctuate 2-4 pounds depending on the time of day, month, or what I might have eaten the day before.

I also used to allow the scale to dictate my moods and alter my decisions.  This time, I'm going to keep doing what I know is good for my health regardless of what the number shows that day.  I'm also asking God to keep me grounded on His Word and who He says I am.  I was thinking back to when I was at my smallest and fittest.  One lady who worked in the nursery at church asked me how I got my stomach so flat.  I was astounded, because I still felt like I was fat.  I told her she didn't see my belly without clothes on and scoffed at her compliment.  Within that same time, another very tall, very thin "friend" of mine told me I was doing well and I was "getting there" with my weight loss.  I was hurt, but also chose to believe her.  I told myself, "See...you ARE still fat.  Even she notices."

This time around, I"m purposing to focus on who God says I am.  I find my worth and definition in Him.

I Corinthians 6:1
"Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything.

Keep It To Yourself

This is the blog I don't want to announce on my facebook page or twitter account.  My other blog is fun.  I get to talk about my kids, my passion related to the Deaf Community, educating Deaf kids, or adoption.  That blog is full of fun life stories, some rants, and pictures of my family.

This blog, though, feels ugly to me.  I'm blogging about my struggle, my sin, my idol, all before I have it all figured out.  I don't have my act together.  I'm still in the middle of it.  I'm not following through.  (Notice the number of days that pass between posts.) I'm doing a lot of thinking and no doing.

For years, I've wanted to write this blog, and even started it two years ago, then dropped it because I felt like I should wait until I was completely successful, then I could have something to say about my struggle.

My struggle with my body image, exercising and food are all symptoms of two main sins: laziness and idolatry.  These two sins also rear their ugly head through my homeschooling and the management of my home.  I have all these great ideas, plans, charts, and schedules, whether it be for working out, running a particular race, diet plan, school schedule, or chore list.

I'm currently reading Children Who Do Too Little by Patricia Sprinkle.  In it, she describes several parenting characteristics that serve as road blocks to our ability to teach our kids to do chores.  Two of the characteristics screamed, "This is YOU, Sarah!"  One, especially struck me: The Abdicator.

Here's an excerpt:
"The Abdicator has thrown in the towel. 'I'm a failure as a parent.  I don't do anything consistently, and I'm probably not doing much well.'"
Patricia then compares this to Paul's confession in The Bible in his letter to the Romans (chapter 7).  Paul says, "I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out."
Patricia adds, "And so, knowing that they make chore charts but don't help the family live up to them, that they make resolutions to be firm and loving but then get lax or angry, an Abdicator decides, 'I'll never be able to teach my children to do housework or anything else.  Why try?'"

Oh, that is SO me!  That has been me over the past number of months regarding homeschooling, chores, and general house management.  It has been me over the past year (and off and on over the past many years) regarding diet and exercise.  I could replace Patricia's words related to parenting with words related to lifestyle:
And so, knowing that I make food plans and workout charts but don't live up to them, that I make resolutions to be consistant in my diet and to get up early to run, I decide that I'll never be able to do this, so why try?

Why try?  That's my next post.

The Lord God Made Me

My thoughts from Beth Moore's event in Las Vegas in 2003: The Lord God Made Woman.

Early in her lecture, Beth references I Thessalonians 5:23.  Wanting to know the context in which the verse was set, I began reading my way back through the chapter.  I love how God's Word is new and fresh even after reading the same passage for many years!  Here's the breakdown of the first portion of I Thessalonians 5 along with my thoughts in italics.  Understand that Paul was writing to the church in the city of Thessalonica regarding how they are to live in light of the times and Jesus' coming (the day being unknown).  He is not speaking about body image or weight issues, but it surely parallels so much of this struggle.  This struggle with my flesh IS a spiritual issue for me, so it makes sense that God uses these verses to teach me more about Himself and how I can bring my flesh under the authority of His Spirit.

 6So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be alert and self-controlled.

Okay, wake up and get out there to get exercise.  Don't stay up 'til all hours and don't sleep in, being lazy.  Self-control.  Same regarding food.  Don't mindlessly eat.  Stick to a plan.  Eat with a purpose.  Be alert.

8...let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. 

There's that self-control again! 

14And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle...

Scripture makes it clear that idleness is not okay. This is just one of quite a few examples.

16Be joyful always; 17pray continually; 18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Be joyful. Don't complain about being tired or too busy to get out for a run.  If I need encouragement, pray, seek God's word. For inspiration, watch something like this or this as a reminder to be joyful in everything.

19Do not put out the Spirit’s fire;  

The Holy Spirit is stirring this desire in me for a reason.  I can't brush it under the rug and pass it off as just a pipe-dream or unimportant to God. What if we had ignored the Spirit's stirring in us to work on our marriage or get out of debt or to adopt?

20do not treat prophecies with contempt.

When I think of prophecies related to this topic, I think of one of my husband's favorite sayings: "If it's predictable, it's preventable."  If I continue on the path of weight-gain, I will end up fat, unhealthy and miserable.  It's a foreseeable problem that is not to be scoffed at. 

21Test everything. Hold on to the good.

No fad diets or get-skinny-quick gimmicks. 

NOW for the main portion, what I'd call the "meat" that Beth refers to through the rest of her lecture.  This passage is the whole reason I read back through the first portion of chapter 5:

23May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.

Through and through.  Through and through.  Spirit.  Soul.  Body.  All to be kept blameless.  Not only my spirit and soul, but my body.  He commands it.  He calls me to it.  And He is faithful and will do it!

My Idol

If you haven't figured it out by now, my weight is my idol.  Food is my idol.  My self is my idol.

Last Sunday at church, Matt taught from John 4, when Jesus met the Samaritan woman at the well.  He named three wrong "wells" that we tend to dig from.  We seek comfort, satisfaction and pleasure from these wells when they only satisfy for a moment and often leaving us with more longing and greater frustration.  The "wells" he named were 1. money/comfort  2. relationship/sex  3. respect/acceptance.  I guess this idol of mine, my "well" if you will, could fit under all three categories.  Matt said money is often a means that leads to comfort, but my means is often food.  And my desire to be thinner often relates who how I believe others see me.  It certainly affects my relationships, even if it doesn't appear that way on the surface.

Another way this issue has become my idol is by becoming consuming.  I think about it constantly.  Just today, Ken took a video of our 3 year-old son sitting on my lap and counting, signing "1--2--3!!" in anticipation of me dropping him nearly to the floor.  When I watched the video, my thoughts went like this: Look at my chin!  I can't believe I've gotten so puffy in my face again. And look at my arms! Geez, I better not wear sleeveless shirts, that looks horrible.  I am SO thick!  I hate my body.

Okay, I couldn't help but smile at how utterly adorable my son is, but the majority of my thoughts were on...mySELF.

Another thing Matt often teaches is how God's creation isn't meant to end on itself.  God didn't simply put things on earth for our enjoyment, but for our enjoyment that then compels us to worship Him.  Matt uses many things as examples, but one stuck in my mind: food.  God didn't simply create flavors, smells, colors and textures of food for us to enjoy.  (And of course, for us to fuel our bodies and survive.) We don't eat and the purpose of food ends there.  We eat, enjoying the flavors, thanking God for His provision, creativity, fun, brilliance.  When we eat just for our own pleasure or to fill some other kind of void (loneliness, stress, sadness, etc.) we are abusing food, God's creation, in the same way we can abuse sex, money, or any number of things that began with God's design and provision.

So, before I list my goals (which I intend to do this week and will post them here), I need to understand my purpose.  I need to understand the reasons, even the ugly reasons, why I so badly want to take this weight off and keep it off.  Why I am so quick to despise my body.  Why I don't. follow. through!
This week, I will be listening, again, to "The LORD God Made Woman" by Beth Moore. As described, on her website "The LORD God Made a Woman is a 2-cd message from a portion of the Las Vegas event. In a culture of extremes, we choose balance in health and fitness, and avoid food-related obsessions when living under the authority of the Holy Spirit within us."

Time to get to work.

Making It Stick

The Hide

These pictures sum up the past few years. I’ve become an expert at hiding behind my family in photos or cropping pictures in just the right places.  Seeing pictures of my regress, yet again, back into “fatland” makes me want to gag. But it still hasn’t been enough to provide another breaking point.  I want to gag, but I don’t want to drag my butt out of bed at 5:30 in the morning.

Consistency has been my major struggle in many areas of life over the past several years.  I’ll start running, start training, start a particular workout program, start changing my diet...then I’ll simply stop after a few days or weeks.  The same pattern carries over in regards to starting a Bible study, starting a more structured schedule with the kids’ school or housework.

This pattern reminds me of this verse from James:
Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.

Creative cropping + "the hide"

I get fired up and excited, making decisions and plans to change things, then wake up in the morning, forgetting (or ignoring) everything I had been excited about changing the night before.

Ironically, after typing and editing this post, I read this relevant post by Jon Acuff that is providing some inspiration regarding my consistency struggle.

In Beth Moore’s “The Lord God Made Woman” audio lecture, she says, “Don’t make a new decision every day.  Decide you’re going to do something, then just do the thing!”  She actually says “thang” in her southern drawl, but I digress.

That’s my backstory.  It’s all future from here on out.  I’m seeking a way to find a place of freedom regarding my weight, my body image, food, and exercise.  And most of all, this time, I want to make it stick!

Everything's Bigger In Texas

I took that as a challenge.  In the first 2 years we were in Texas, I managed to pack on over 20 pounds.  If you’re doing the math, that means gained over 35 pounds in 4 years.

I had thought about losing weight, signed up for a half-marathon I didn’t run, trained for a marathon I didn’t run, dreamed about losing weight, read about losing weight, thought about eating better and attempted numerous exercise routines.

Thought...dreamed...trained...sulked...complained...self-loathed...whined...but didn’t DO anything. Oh, I would start, but never follow through.

Then, two years ago, I decided enough was enough. I started going to boot camp three times a week and logging my diet on “My Daily Plate” on the href="http://www.livestrong.com/">www.livestrong.com site. Eat less, exercise more.  Plain and simple.

From the tail end of 2009 to the summer of 2010, I took off about 25 pounds and was getting back on track.  I worked so stinkin’ HARD for every one of those pounds, waking up before dawn to meet my workout buddies in the church parking lot.  This time, it was a healthy and appropriate weight loss, working out surrounded by Godly “Temple Keepers”.  I didn’t obsess.  I didn’t freak about the foods I ate, but simply paid attention to the number of calories I took in every day.  This time, it was going to stick!  I just knew it!  It had to this time.  I was doing everything right.

Checking out my outfit and feeling sassy last summer.

I spent the second half of 2010 putting every single pound back on.

All or Nothing?

This picture was taken as Ken and I headed out for our 8th wedding anniversary date, January 4th, 2005.  We were digging our way out of a major crisis and I was trying to get my priorities straight.  My self-focus had caught up with me and wreaked havoc on those around me.  Thank God I have a husband who was willing to stick with me through it all.

After that year, I gave up weight training at the gym, but kept up running. I truly loved it and looked forward to heading out to meet the sun every morning.  I had an awesome running partner and dear friend I would meet many of those mornings. Even in the bitter cold (yes, Vegas is bitter cold in the winter, especially before sunset), I’d bundle up and I’d see her dark figure under the orange street lights, running up the hill to meet me.  My heart always skipped a beat, preparing in my mind what I’d do if the dark figure WASN’T Beverly.  But it always was.  I relished running and saw daily improvements (because I was so slow to begin with) in my pace and distances.

My winning day

At one point, I even placed third in my age group during a 5K.  Don’t ask me how many runners there were that morning.  It doesn’t matter.  I got third in my age group!  :)

Despite the running, I began to eat freely and often.  The weight slowly started creeping back.  Once the weight began coming back on, my running slowed down.  After a 13-mile training run, feeling worn completely out and disappointed by my pace, I stopped being so excited about running.  My running partner had been expecting and had just delivered her sweet baby, so I had less motivation (and no accountability) to get out of my comfy bed every morning.

By June 2007, when we moved to Texas, I had gained almost 15 pounds.

Looks Are Deceiving

Having 3 kids in 3 1/2 years caught up with me a bit.  I had kept on about 20 pounds of pregnancy weight after TJ was born and felt frumpy and flabby.  Body image was still at the forefront of my mind.

Sadly, I became too focused on my self and started weight training obsessively, spending 12 hours per week at the gym, insisting that I be in bed at 9:30 so I could get up at 4:45, and basically ignoring my family so I could do my own thing.  I got in very good shape, but wasn’t the person I wanted to be, nor the person God purposed me to be.

Looks are deceiving. Every day I heard compliments about how great I looked.  No one had any idea that I was at the lowest point in my life.  This proved to me that it couldn’t just be about my body.

Turning Point

Holding Hannah, feeling good

After Hannah was born, I was determined to take off my excess pounds.  God led me to Gwen Shamblin’s book The Weigh Down Diet,   Gwen’s program was still fairly new.  (Disclaimer: She has since gone off the deep end, so I can’t recommend HER, but I found her first book helpful after years of useless dieting.)

Reading her book was enlightening.  Freeing.  It was an epiphany for me: God made my body.  He made it to work correctly.  When you are hungry, you’ll feel it.  Eat.  When satisfied, stop.  Don’t eat again until you physically feel hunger.  Eat whatever sounds good.  Your body will naturally crave variety.

This was too easy.  Surely I couldn’t lose weight without writing down my calories and fat grams for the day.  Surely must eat only diet foods and stay away from the fattening “bad” foods.  It seemed too easy, but it also made sense.  I knew it would work.

It did.  Over the next several months, I took off 40 pounds.  I wasn’t following Gwen’s advice to the letter. I didn’t just eat “whatever”.  I was already accustomed to healthier foods.  We didn’t eat fried foods.  I was still a vegetarian.  I did, however, enjoy desserts or other traditionally “bad list” foods, just doing so rarely and in small portions.

Gwen also says there is no need to exercise.  That part didn’t make sense to me.  I knew God designed our bodies to be active and useful.  This was the time of my life that I discovered running.

Running with Hannah (just a few months old)

Eating less and running more, and doing some weight-training led to a 40-pound weight loss within about 9 months.  I kept it off for over 3 years.