It's time to resurrect this blog. In the past, I've been a little harsh with this blog. I consider it the "black sheep" of my social media. Facebook is my way to keep connected to (at some point in my life) real-life friends and family. Instagram appeals to me because a picture is worth one thousand words; plus, I could go back and pour over old photos for hours at a time. Signs of Life: The Brownie Chronicles is a fun blog to keep track of the boys' and our entire family's journey since beginning the adoption process.
Then there is the "Running Toward Freedom" blog. Ugh. I've started and stopped this blog over and over again for years. I've left it unwritten for months at a time. I've opened the "new post" page, staring at the blank page, only to shut the computer, unable to sort out what I want to post.
Three weeks ago, I started, yet again, for the umpteenth time, working out, logging my food on the My Plate app, and have lost 8 pounds: 5 the first week, 2 the second, and 1 this week.
Yoga is a practice I've fallen in love with over the past three weeks. I also tried Zumba for the first time. That's certainly a fun way to keep up my heart rate for an hour! Yoga is what I most look forward to doing. My favorite is Hot Vinyasa Yoga.
Because of this "resurrection" of my road to fitness, I decided to also resurrect my blog. So here goes...the good, the bad, and the sweaty.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
The Funk that Won't Go Away
[This is an April post copied post from my other blog.]
It's hard to believe I posted this entry in November of last year, but I did! I went looking for this old entry and figured I posted it back in February or something. I was shocked that it was from November!
I had posted:
"Because of the season of life I'm in (nearing 40, newly-expanded family, major life-changing move, and weight gain that ticks me off greatly), I've been experiencing days feeling very low. I've blogged before about how I don't like using the word "depressed" lightly, so I don't think I'll use it here. But I've been feeling dark, low, melancholy, aimless, and tired."
Since November, those feelings didn't go away. Oh, they might subside for a time, but would rear their ugly heads at any random time. In addition to those feelings, I was experiencing an overwhelming feeling of failure.
These feelings would manifest themselves by my simply giving up and doing nothing. I felt so overwhelmed by everything I wasn't accomplishing that I felt I should be accomplishing, that I would want to just stay inside all day.
By nature, I'm an optimistic person. Even when I've felt "down" in the past, I haven't felt so paralyzed. I'm also very social and outgoing. So the fact that I was turning inward and hated leaving the house and being around lots of other people gave me a clue something wasn't right.
In addition to my own feelings, I had two different girlfriends come right out and ask me if I thought I might be depressed. One of these friends gave me a book about women and depression and the other just flat-out told me I needed to go see a doctor....the next day and said she'd watch my kids so I could go in. (Might I add that these ladies are true-blue friends!! It takes guts to be so honest and I'm immensely grateful.)
I wouldn't have thought I was depressed, because I appeared to be functioning okay, but when I opened the assessment in the book "Unveiling Depression in Women," I cried for half an hour, reading through it and seeing myself in a majority of the descriptions.
I wanted to stay in almost all the time.
I dreaded going out and talking to or seeing people.
I was either sad or just numb for hours at a time.
More than anything, I felt an overwhelming sense of failure in every area of my life.
Reason, logic, nor "pep talks" would help me feel better.
In addition to the failure, I felt like I couldn't pick myself up and dig my way out of the pit this time.
What confused matters for me was that I still had a lot of joy in my life. I love my husband and my satisfaction with him hadn't changed. I adore my kids...they all bring me so much deep joy it's hard to put into words. I like where we live and where we go to church. There wasn't one thing I could put my finger on that would explain why I felt depressed. Before I experienced depression for myself, I wouldn't have understood it. It was just a feeling of oppression. Lethargy. Failure. And I knew I couldn't function that way for very long.
One of my girlfriends had offered to watch my kids, so I took them to her house and went to see a doctor. I'm so glad I did. It took some humility, that's for sure. I struggled with thoughts like:
If you prayed more, you'd not be depressed.
If you were a good mom/wife, you could get yourself out of this funk.
You stink at homeschooling. You used to be good at it, but not any more.
Only people unwilling to change end up taking meds for depression.
But I'm at the point in my life where I don't really mind admitting I need help and then asking for it. The doctor was able to verify that I did need a bit of a "reboot" and, a month later, I'm feeling much better. I still have some work to do just to get back into the groove of life, but I feel a lot better.
I considered not posting this. There is some risk in airing very personal information. People may misunderstand, misinterpret, or assume things that aren't true. However, I've logged our journey this far...the good and the bad. The stresses and joys. This is something that hit me; I never would have expected it. My hope is that if anyone reading this ever feels overwhelmed, even if not to the point of being depressed, they would seek help...from friends, church, counselors, and doctors if needed. There
I wanted to stay in almost all the time.
I dreaded going out and talking to or seeing people.
I was either sad or just numb for hours at a time.
More than anything, I felt an overwhelming sense of failure in every area of my life.
Reason, logic, nor "pep talks" would help me feel better.
In addition to the failure, I felt like I couldn't pick myself up and dig my way out of the pit this time.
What confused matters for me was that I still had a lot of joy in my life. I love my husband and my satisfaction with him hadn't changed. I adore my kids...they all bring me so much deep joy it's hard to put into words. I like where we live and where we go to church. There wasn't one thing I could put my finger on that would explain why I felt depressed. Before I experienced depression for myself, I wouldn't have understood it. It was just a feeling of oppression. Lethargy. Failure. And I knew I couldn't function that way for very long.
One of my girlfriends had offered to watch my kids, so I took them to her house and went to see a doctor. I'm so glad I did. It took some humility, that's for sure. I struggled with thoughts like:
If you prayed more, you'd not be depressed.
If you were a good mom/wife, you could get yourself out of this funk.
You stink at homeschooling. You used to be good at it, but not any more.
Only people unwilling to change end up taking meds for depression.
But I'm at the point in my life where I don't really mind admitting I need help and then asking for it. The doctor was able to verify that I did need a bit of a "reboot" and, a month later, I'm feeling much better. I still have some work to do just to get back into the groove of life, but I feel a lot better.
I considered not posting this. There is some risk in airing very personal information. People may misunderstand, misinterpret, or assume things that aren't true. However, I've logged our journey this far...the good and the bad. The stresses and joys. This is something that hit me; I never would have expected it. My hope is that if anyone reading this ever feels overwhelmed, even if not to the point of being depressed, they would seek help...from friends, church, counselors, and doctors if needed. There
Saturday, January 7, 2012
The Anti-New Year Resolution
I'm all for fresh starts. As a believer in Christ, I know His mercies are new every morning. (Lamentations 3:22-23) and that, in Christ, I'm a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). When I mess up and ask for forgiveness, the slate is clean (I John 1:9).
Over the years, however, I've grown a bit cynical of New Year's Resolutions. The way I see it, if I'm resolving to do something, then I should just do it. (Yeah, right...do you read this blog?) I've also had 30-something years of NOT following through with resolutions, so when I begin thinking of the fresh start brought in with a new year, I decide that I'm going to start anything, it most certainly will not be on January 1.
With that being said, and if you have read any of my previous posts, you know I should be jumping on the New Year's Resolution bandwagon and riding it into the sunset of fitness, health and peace. So why am I not doing that?
I'm scared. I'm afraid. I'm scared of giving up things I love, like comfort-eating and lounging in my warm bed on cold mornings. I'm afraid of failure; of disappointing myself one more time. At this point in my life, I've lost and gained back weight (20-40 pounds) about three times. All three times, I lost weight by reasonably eating less and exercising more. All three times, I was certain I was keeping it off for good.
So this year, when I find myself at my highest weight ever, I also find my usually-upbeat, optimistic self being very pessimistic. While I feel like not even trying, I know that if I keep going in my current direction, I'll be qualifying as a contestant on The Biggest Loser by the time I'm 40. Hmm..maybe I should do that: gain another hundred pounds, go on The Biggest Loser, win The Biggest Loser title, take home the $250,000 prize and become a famous spokesperson and public speaker.
Okay, okay, I know that's not reasonable. So here's what's swimming around in this doubtful brain of mine:
--I went to boot camp through the end of the year, but getting up that early is killer at this season of my life. With older kids who stay up until 10:00pm and toddlers who wake early, late night is my time to live in a silent house. My friends and I are all currently on the fence about if we'll go this year or not.
--I was considering the half-marathon training, but a good friend of mine shared wisdom with me that changed my decision. Together, this friend and I will start working toward a 5K in the early Spring, then a Fall 10K, then look at a half-marathon in 2013. My friend said she often sets goals based on what she used to could do, which sets her up for disappointment. I used to run 3-5 miles three times per week. I could manage a 7 or 8 mile long run and would even be giddy the morning before. Times have changed. I don't run consistently, so I'm basically starting over. I need to treat myself like a new runner. A new, very slow runner.
--This same friend has challenged me to do a "Reboot" with her. We start the first phase this week. Yes, on January 8th, not the 1st! See what I did there?
A few other resolutions I made this week that have already paid off:
--Fix my hair and put on makeup in the morning. I'm not much of a makeup and hair girl, so for me, this just means blow-drying my hair so it looks smooth, then putting on some lipstick, eyeliner and blush. The first day I did this, my husband brought home, with little notice, a co-worker visiting from out of state. Later in the week, I had just finished applying my eyeliner when a got a phone call from a prospective employer. It was a videophone call, so being out of my PJs and looking presentable paid off!
--Prioritizing school. I feel great about how school went this week. It wasn't perfect and I still need to find more creative ways to motivate the boy, but we accomplished more this week than we have any other week last year. One way I prioritized was school over a tidy house. I find myself wanting to clean up every mess the little boys make, but that totally interrupts our school time and distracts the kids. This week, if I saw a mess, I just told myself, "We have set times during the day to do a quick tidy-up. We'll take care of that later."
--We completed our first week using Accountable Kids. The first several days, my older girl and oldest boy didn't seem too motivated to follow the system. However, when they saw their sister earning tickets, bonus bucks, and stars, they found their motivation!
Here's to us all finding the motivation to accomplish our resolutions in 2012! If you didn't succeed your first week of 2012, who cares?! Make the anti-New-Year resolution and just pick up and start now.
Over the years, however, I've grown a bit cynical of New Year's Resolutions. The way I see it, if I'm resolving to do something, then I should just do it. (Yeah, right...do you read this blog?) I've also had 30-something years of NOT following through with resolutions, so when I begin thinking of the fresh start brought in with a new year, I decide that I'm going to start anything, it most certainly will not be on January 1.
With that being said, and if you have read any of my previous posts, you know I should be jumping on the New Year's Resolution bandwagon and riding it into the sunset of fitness, health and peace. So why am I not doing that?
I'm scared. I'm afraid. I'm scared of giving up things I love, like comfort-eating and lounging in my warm bed on cold mornings. I'm afraid of failure; of disappointing myself one more time. At this point in my life, I've lost and gained back weight (20-40 pounds) about three times. All three times, I lost weight by reasonably eating less and exercising more. All three times, I was certain I was keeping it off for good.
So this year, when I find myself at my highest weight ever, I also find my usually-upbeat, optimistic self being very pessimistic. While I feel like not even trying, I know that if I keep going in my current direction, I'll be qualifying as a contestant on The Biggest Loser by the time I'm 40. Hmm..maybe I should do that: gain another hundred pounds, go on The Biggest Loser, win The Biggest Loser title, take home the $250,000 prize and become a famous spokesperson and public speaker.
Okay, okay, I know that's not reasonable. So here's what's swimming around in this doubtful brain of mine:
--I went to boot camp through the end of the year, but getting up that early is killer at this season of my life. With older kids who stay up until 10:00pm and toddlers who wake early, late night is my time to live in a silent house. My friends and I are all currently on the fence about if we'll go this year or not.
--I was considering the half-marathon training, but a good friend of mine shared wisdom with me that changed my decision. Together, this friend and I will start working toward a 5K in the early Spring, then a Fall 10K, then look at a half-marathon in 2013. My friend said she often sets goals based on what she used to could do, which sets her up for disappointment. I used to run 3-5 miles three times per week. I could manage a 7 or 8 mile long run and would even be giddy the morning before. Times have changed. I don't run consistently, so I'm basically starting over. I need to treat myself like a new runner. A new, very slow runner.
--This same friend has challenged me to do a "Reboot" with her. We start the first phase this week. Yes, on January 8th, not the 1st! See what I did there?
A few other resolutions I made this week that have already paid off:
--Fix my hair and put on makeup in the morning. I'm not much of a makeup and hair girl, so for me, this just means blow-drying my hair so it looks smooth, then putting on some lipstick, eyeliner and blush. The first day I did this, my husband brought home, with little notice, a co-worker visiting from out of state. Later in the week, I had just finished applying my eyeliner when a got a phone call from a prospective employer. It was a videophone call, so being out of my PJs and looking presentable paid off!
--Prioritizing school. I feel great about how school went this week. It wasn't perfect and I still need to find more creative ways to motivate the boy, but we accomplished more this week than we have any other week last year. One way I prioritized was school over a tidy house. I find myself wanting to clean up every mess the little boys make, but that totally interrupts our school time and distracts the kids. This week, if I saw a mess, I just told myself, "We have set times during the day to do a quick tidy-up. We'll take care of that later."
--We completed our first week using Accountable Kids. The first several days, my older girl and oldest boy didn't seem too motivated to follow the system. However, when they saw their sister earning tickets, bonus bucks, and stars, they found their motivation!
Here's to us all finding the motivation to accomplish our resolutions in 2012! If you didn't succeed your first week of 2012, who cares?! Make the anti-New-Year resolution and just pick up and start now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)