Thorns and Switches

It's been six and a half weeks since I embarked on the new way of eating.  Something is different this time around.  A switch has been turned off.  It's no small thing, either.  This is something I've prayed about for years and years.  I can't count the times I've begged God to "take this thorn from my side."  He didn't, for whatever reason.  My "thorn" was overeating, dieting, losing and gaining weight, and constantly thinking about and being dissatisfied with my weight.

This time, it's different.  For the first time since...I don't know when...ever?  I don't eat when I'm not hungry, because I don't want to.  When I'm full, I stop eating.  For many of you, this may have been your norm for your entire life, but it hasn't been for mine.  I vividly remember in my late elementary days, going to a friend's house and seeing a huge chocolate bar in her closet.  She pulled it out, took one bite, then put it back up in the closet.  She had been eating chunks off it for weeks and weeks.  I was shocked that anyone could keep candy in their own room and not eat it all instantly.  It was a complete foreign concept to me.

As an adult, I've certainly had a sugar addiction.  While I could keep a certain sugary treat around for a few days, it was only because I was eating other sugary stuff multiple times daily.  That seemed to falsely tell my body I was still hungry, because I was always eating something.  I don't think I went more than a couple of hours without putting something in my mouth.  I felt constantly over-full.  Like I've said before, I never binge-ate any one thing, but would "graze" all day with either food or drinks, the calories adding up and up and up while my weight followed.  My mind was constantly consumed (pun intended) with either food, weight, how full I felt, or how disgusted I was with myself.  Yet I kept shoving stuff down my throat.

Over the past six weeks, there's been a shift.  I eat when I'm hungry.  Often, I get hungry (my stomach actually growling/cramping to tell me I need to eat) and let the hunger pass because I'm not where I can eat something good for me.  The hunger passes, then returns and I eat when I can.  I don't die.  I don't pass out.  I don't binge once I get access to the healthy food.  I feel so hungry sometimes, I think I'll eat a lot, but then I eat a small amount of food and find myself full.   So I stop.  Typing it out, it seems like "of course.. this is how it should be."  But it hasn't been like this for me; even when I've lost weight before, I spent a lot of my time meal-planning, looking at recipes, thinking about different foods to try.  That's not happening now.  I keep healthy choices on hand, plan my family's meals for the week, and eat when I'm hungry, which seems to happen 2-4 times a day, depending on my activity that day and what I'm eating.

By the way, I've had a 3-pack of Trader Joe's dark chocolate with almonds in my closet for a week now.  Every 2 or 3 days, I'll eat a square.  I've not even made it through one bar yet.  I forget it's there.  When I see it, I don't always want it.  This is an amazing breakthrough for me.

I've thanked God for taking the thorn from my side, but I also feel cautious in doing so.  I feel like I'm being cocky; like when God hears me, he'll pull the rug out from under me.  I KNOW that's not how God works, but that's what runs through my messed-up mind.

I'm down about 15 pounds.  Weight loss seems to come in waves.  I'll lose a couple-to-3 pounds in one week, then not lose anything the next week.  I weigh every day, but still don't let the flatlines or small weight gains discourage me.  Weighing every day helps me remember my goals and keeps me on track.  For the first time, I don't hate the scale.  I am who I am and am okay with myself, no matter what the numbers read.

I have not been working out during these six weeks, but this week, I started back to heated Vinyasa yoga at my gym.  I forgot how much I love it!  It felt SO good on Wednesday night, then I was sore everywhere on Thursday.  Friday, I did a restorative yoga class, then was back to Vinyasa this morning.  As for now, I adore going.  I'm not going to push myself to run or do any activity I dread.  Today, our family went hiking, which is another activity I love and have plenty of opportunity to do in this town!

30 Days of the Whole(ish)30

Tomorrow marks 30 days without grains or sugar.  I refer to what I'm doing as the Whole30, although I'm doing an altered version of the strict 30-day plan.  One-and-a-half years ago, I did the strict Whole30 and had success, but didn't see myself keeping up that pace for the rest of my life.  After putting on even more weight during 2014, then reading so much about food and how it effects mental wellness, I decided something had to give.

Since I didn't follow the Whole30 Program Rules to the letter, what did I do?  Below, in bold, are the program rules along with my own comments explaining what I have been doing over the past 30 days and how I plan to live from here on out.

Yes: Eat real food.
--> I did this.

No: Avoid for 30 days.

• Do not consume added sugar of any kind, real or artificial.
  --> I used CoffeeMate Naturals in my coffee every morning. I also made just a couple of recipes, such as orange chicken stir-fry, with a little bit of coconut nectar.  I won't hesitate to use maple syrup on my paleo crepes or protein pancakes.
• Do not consume alcohol in any form, not even for cooking.
  --> I didn't consume alcohol. To me, it's not worth the calories/weight gain.
• Do not eat grains.
  --> I followed this to the letter, except for two special occasions. (see below)
• Do not eat legumes.
  --> I followed this until day 29, when I made my corn and bean salad. As long as legumes don't upset my stomach, I'll occasionally include them in my diet.
• Do not eat dairy.
  --> I used the CoffeeMate Naturals every morning and also had yogurt one day. 
• Do not consume carrageenan, MSG or sulfites.
  --> This is pretty easy when you're not eating processed foods.
• Do not try to re-create baked goods, junk foods, or treats* with “approved” ingredients. 
  --> While I didn't re-create baked goods, I did enjoy some "junk foods" with whole ingredients.  See some of my favorites here.  I made sweet potato french fries a few times and snacked on some potato chips (only ones made with only potatoes, oil and salt) on a few occasions.  These convenience foods were very handy when we were on our road trip and while we went camping last week.  While the family enjoys s'mores, it's a lot more fun to be enjoying Go Raw's Super Chocolate Cookies than to have nothing. I also attended a wedding for the first time in years. While there, I enjoyed a very small piece of wedding cake. Eating is social and fun; this is where I've been able to come to a place of balance over the past 30 days.  I much more enjoyed the people, conversations and celebrations than I did the food that happened to be in front of me.

One last and final rule: You are not allowed to step on the scale or take any body measurements for the duration of the program.
-->I did weigh myself, almost every day.  I've found that I don't weigh when I know I'm gaining weight.  Because of the balance I'm finding, I'm able to weigh and not feel like giving up when the numbers don't move.

If you read from the beginning of this blog, you'll see that I've struggled with weight and body issues for 85% of my life.  During my adult life, my weight has ranged from 130 to 215.  Even at my lowest weight, I wasn't satisfied with my body.  I certainly wasn't happy with my priorities during that time.  Looking back on old photos, I can see now that I looked nice, but just always felt like a blob.  This time around, I'm trying to focus on being content and even happy with myself at each turn. I remind myself that my friends have always liked me and been there for me regardless of what the scale says. I'm the only one hating myself for my weight.  The weight needs to come off for my well-being, not for my ego.  Do I feel good about myself when the weight comes off? Yes!  Will I enjoy being thinner?  Yes.  This time around, I'm just not making that the focus.  If you're curious about the numbers, I've lost 12 pounds over the past month. Eight pounds came off during the first 10 days, then 4 more pounds dropped over the next 20.

As with the first time I did the Whole30, I noticed that I haven't obsessed over food. I haven't craved food nor have I over-eaten.  There is certainly something in processed food that makes me want to keep eating it despite being full.  It also seems that sugar fuels my craving for more sugar.  For the past 30 days, food has been fuel and not an addiction.  That is why, on the camping trip, I ate a bite of s'mores and then stopped because I truly didn't want to eat more. In addition, I had no guilt over eating it.  I'm praying this new way my brain works will continue.

Eating like this can be time-consuming.  It can also cost more.  An apple costs more than a box of mac and cheese.  I can buy 2-3 12-oz. bags of Doritos for the price I pay for one 4 oz. Go Raw snack.  An 8-pack of nitrate-free, organic, all-beef hot dogs costs 4 times what "regular" hot dogs cost.  A dozen organic eggs cost about $1.50 more than non-organic.  One pound of organic grass-fed beef costs at least $2.50 more than the usual ground beef.  When you have a family of 7, all of whom enjoy snacking, that adds up to more money and more time in the kitchen.  There are times I feel like I'm constantly chopping, preparing, and cleaning up food.  (A mandolin is my next kitchen purchase!)  While my grocery bill is higher, we have saved no less than $30 per week not eating out or buying sodas and sweet tea, so it all comes out in the wash.

The kids are eating very little sugar and only some grains.  My child who has been struggling with depression has not adopted the Whole30 program yet, but is doing well in that she's reducing sugar and grains.  This kid is totally blowing me out of the water at the gym.  She sometimes goes twice a day to work out or swim, then spends some time in the steam room, hot tub and shower.  Lifetime Fitness has been a great coping technique for this child. I'm proud of her.

To further update you about her, she's currently off all psych/mood medications. As her psychiatrist stated, she'd like to get to know my child "without the muddy waters."  The combination of getting off her meds plus quitting all the grains and sugar "cold turkey" was overwhelming.  My child felt she didn't have any control over her own body and choices.  Therefore, she's making changes on her own timeline.   Even with the positive changes she's making, her weight continues to go up.  We are in the process of getting a referral to an endocrinologist to see if her thyroid is wreaking havoc on her body.  That poor girl!  Her body suffers so much.  Her mind is still giving her a lot of trouble, too, but she's been coping.  I'm ready for her body and mind to give her a break and support the amazing person she is instead of weighing her down and holding her back.  As always, your prayers are coveted!

In my next post, I'll share a bit about how I'm feeling different since adopting this way of eating.