Fabulous by 40

As I was talking myself in to blogging here consistently for my last year in my 30s, I came upon this unpublished post from when I was following the Whole30 Challenge:

"My favorite foods on the Whole 30:

eggs, spinach (cooked just enough to barely wilt), red bell pepper, avocado and salsa

chicken or shrimp curry (choice of meat with coconut milk, curry and other spices, chunks of sweet potato. YUM! My entire family loved this.)

salads - mostly spinach and arugula and cilantro blended - with all kinds of veggies and maybe some apple mixed in.  I add a touch of Bragg's sesame ginger dressing. (It has a little honey and olive oil, but I made the choice to use this dressing anyway. You decide for yourself.)

smoothies - banana, avocado, date paste (I make it with dates and water), cocoa powder, coconut milk and maybe strawberries

lettuce wraps - any meat I like plus veggies, sweet potato chunks, other veggies, salsa and avocado. Good with sesame paste (tahini), too.

chili

soup - sweet potato, butternut squash, coconut milk, and some other good stuff.  Wowza!

raw almonds, cashews, and apples for snacks.

mousse, made with dates, coconut milk and cocoa powder"

This entry reminded me how many good foods I was eating while following this plan. It also made me think about the junk I've been eating while NOT following the Whole30.  So I'm going back to following the Whole9.  So I'll call what I'm doing the "Partial 30."  Heh.

I have a major goal of being happy with my physical self by the time I reach 40.  The months will pass quickly this year, so I know I need to get on it now.  NOW.

When you set a goal, a popular tool to reach that goal is to create an inspiration board.  Here are some of my inspirations:

Click on the photo to see my Pinterest inspiration board.

2005-06 Running an early-morning 5K. Got 3rd in my age group.

Less than 5 years ago. I'd like to be back here.

I choose these older photos of myself because, both times, I was still not totally satisfied with my body.  I still complained about my poochy stomach.  Looking back, I was an idiot.  I was consistently exercising and I ate less of the foods I liked.  My inspiration isn't some chick with tanned skin and washboard abs. My goal is a healthy version of myself, who enjoys walking, running, yoga, and bootcamp-type workouts on a regular, weekly basis.  A healthy version of myself, makes wise choices with my diet, and truly enjoys eating my favorite foods in moderation.

45 1/2 weeks.  318 days that will pass weather I am active or inactive.  Time to get busy!

The Funk that Won't Go Away

[This is an April post copied post from my other blog.]

It's hard to believe I posted this entry in November of last year, but I did!  I went looking for this old entry and figured I posted it back in February or something.  I was shocked that it was from November!

I had posted:

"Because of the season of life I'm in (nearing 40, newly-expanded family, major life-changing move, and weight gain that ticks me off greatly), I've been experiencing days feeling very low.  I've blogged before about how I don't like using the word "depressed" lightly, so I don't think I'll use it here.  But I've been feeling dark, low, melancholy, aimless, and tired."

Since November, those feelings didn't go away.  Oh, they might subside for a time, but would rear their ugly heads at any random time.  In addition to those feelings, I was experiencing an overwhelming feeling of failure.  

These feelings would manifest themselves by my simply giving up and doing nothing.  I felt so overwhelmed by everything I wasn't accomplishing that I felt I should be accomplishing, that I would want to just stay inside all day.  

By nature, I'm an optimistic person.  Even when I've felt "down" in the past, I haven't felt so paralyzed.  I'm also very social and outgoing.  So the fact that I was turning inward and hated leaving the house and being around lots of other people gave me a clue something wasn't right.  

In addition to my own feelings, I had two different girlfriends come right out and ask me if I thought I might be depressed.  One of these friends gave me a book about women and depression and the other just flat-out told me I needed to go see a doctor....the next day and said she'd watch my kids so I could go in.  (Might I add that these ladies are true-blue friends!! It takes guts to be so honest and I'm immensely grateful.)

I wouldn't have thought I was depressed, because I appeared to be functioning okay, but when I opened the assessment in the book "Unveiling Depression in Women," I cried for half an hour, reading through it and seeing myself in a majority of the descriptions.

I wanted to stay in almost all the time.
I dreaded going out and talking to or seeing people.
I was either sad or just numb for hours at a time.
More than anything, I felt an overwhelming sense of failure in every area of my life.
Reason, logic, nor "pep talks" would help me feel better.
In addition to the failure, I felt like I couldn't pick myself up and dig my way out of the pit this time.

What confused matters for me was that I still had a lot of joy in my life.  I love my husband and my satisfaction with him hadn't changed.  I adore my kids...they all bring me so much deep joy it's hard to put into words.  I like where we live and where we go to church.  There wasn't one thing I could put my finger on that would explain why I felt depressed.  Before I experienced depression for myself, I wouldn't have understood it.  It was just a feeling of oppression.  Lethargy.  Failure.  And I knew I couldn't function that way for very long.

One of my girlfriends had offered to watch my kids, so I took them to her house and went to see a doctor.  I'm so glad I did.  It took some humility, that's for sure.  I struggled with thoughts like:


If you prayed more, you'd not be depressed.
If you were a good mom/wife, you could get yourself out of this funk.
You stink at homeschooling. You used to be good at it, but not any more.
Only people unwilling to change end up taking meds for depression.

But I'm at the point in my life where I don't really mind admitting I need help and then asking for it.  The doctor was able to verify that I did need a bit of a "reboot" and, a month later, I'm feeling much better.   I still have some work to do just to get back into the groove of life, but I feel a lot better.

I considered not posting this.  There is some risk in airing very personal information.  People may misunderstand, misinterpret, or assume things that aren't true.  However, I've logged our journey this far...the good and the bad.  The stresses and joys.  This is something that hit me; I never would have expected it.  My hope is that if anyone reading this ever feels overwhelmed, even if not to the point of being depressed, they would seek help...from friends, church, counselors, and doctors if needed.  There 

The Anti-New Year Resolution

I'm all for fresh starts.  As a believer in Christ, I know His mercies are new every morning. (Lamentations 3:22-23) and that, in Christ, I'm a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).  When I mess up and ask for forgiveness, the slate is clean (I John 1:9).

Over the years, however, I've grown a bit cynical of New Year's Resolutions.  The way I see it, if I'm resolving to do something, then I should just do it.  (Yeah, right...do you read this blog?)  I've also had 30-something years of NOT following through with resolutions, so when I begin thinking of the fresh start brought in with a new year, I decide that I'm going to start anything, it most certainly will not be on January 1.

With that being said, and if you have read any of my previous posts, you know I should be jumping on the New Year's Resolution bandwagon and riding it into the sunset of fitness, health and peace.   So why am I not doing that?

I'm scared.  I'm afraid.  I'm scared of giving up things I love, like comfort-eating and lounging in my warm bed on cold mornings.  I'm afraid of failure; of disappointing myself one more time.  At this point in my life, I've lost and gained back weight (20-40 pounds) about three times.  All three times, I lost weight by reasonably eating less and exercising more.  All three times, I was certain I was keeping it off for good.

So this year, when I find myself at my highest weight ever, I also find my usually-upbeat, optimistic self being very pessimistic.  While I feel like not even trying, I know that if I keep going in my current direction, I'll be qualifying as a contestant on The Biggest Loser by the time I'm 40.  Hmm..maybe I should do that: gain another hundred pounds, go on The Biggest Loser, win The Biggest Loser title, take home the $250,000 prize and become a famous spokesperson and public speaker.

Okay, okay, I know that's not reasonable.  So here's what's swimming around in this doubtful brain of mine:
--I went to boot camp through the end of the year, but getting up that early is killer at this season of my life. With older kids who stay up until 10:00pm and toddlers who wake early, late night is my time to live in a silent house.  My friends and I are all currently on the fence about if we'll go this year or not.

--I was considering the half-marathon training, but a good friend of mine shared wisdom with me that changed my decision.  Together, this friend and I will start working toward a 5K in the early Spring, then a Fall 10K, then look at a half-marathon in 2013.  My friend said she often sets goals based on what she used to could do, which sets her up for disappointment.  I used to run 3-5 miles three times per week.  I could manage a 7 or 8 mile long run and would even be giddy the morning before.  Times have changed.  I don't run consistently, so I'm basically starting over.  I need to treat myself like a new runner.  A new, very slow runner.

--This same friend has challenged me to do a "Reboot" with her.  We start the first phase this week.  Yes, on January 8th, not the 1st!  See what I did there?

A few other resolutions I made this week that have already paid off:
--Fix my hair and put on makeup in the morning.  I'm not much of a makeup and hair girl, so for me, this just means blow-drying my hair so it looks smooth, then putting on some lipstick, eyeliner and blush.  The first day I did this, my husband brought home, with little notice, a co-worker visiting from out of state.  Later in the week, I had just finished applying my eyeliner when a got a phone call from a prospective employer.  It was a videophone call, so being out of my PJs and looking presentable paid off!

--Prioritizing school.  I feel great about how school went this week.  It wasn't perfect and I still need to find more creative ways to motivate the boy, but we accomplished more this week than we have any other week last year.  One way I prioritized was school over a tidy house.  I find myself wanting to clean up every mess the little boys make, but that totally interrupts our school time and distracts the kids.  This week, if I saw a mess, I just told myself, "We have set times during the day to do a quick tidy-up.  We'll take care of that later."

--We completed our first week using Accountable Kids.  The first several days, my older girl and oldest boy didn't seem too motivated to follow the system.  However, when they saw their sister earning tickets, bonus bucks, and stars, they found their motivation!

Here's to us all finding the motivation to accomplish our resolutions in 2012!  If you didn't succeed your first week of 2012, who cares?!  Make the anti-New-Year resolution and just pick up and start now.

Walking In Light

I posted this on my other blog, but it fits here, too.  I've gotten more response from this post (via email, Facebook and comments) than I have from just about any other.

Keep It To Yourself

This is the blog I don't want to announce on my facebook page or twitter account.  My other blog is fun.  I get to talk about my kids, my passion related to the Deaf Community, educating Deaf kids, or adoption.  That blog is full of fun life stories, some rants, and pictures of my family.

This blog, though, feels ugly to me.  I'm blogging about my struggle, my sin, my idol, all before I have it all figured out.  I don't have my act together.  I'm still in the middle of it.  I'm not following through.  (Notice the number of days that pass between posts.) I'm doing a lot of thinking and no doing.

For years, I've wanted to write this blog, and even started it two years ago, then dropped it because I felt like I should wait until I was completely successful, then I could have something to say about my struggle.

My struggle with my body image, exercising and food are all symptoms of two main sins: laziness and idolatry.  These two sins also rear their ugly head through my homeschooling and the management of my home.  I have all these great ideas, plans, charts, and schedules, whether it be for working out, running a particular race, diet plan, school schedule, or chore list.

I'm currently reading Children Who Do Too Little by Patricia Sprinkle.  In it, she describes several parenting characteristics that serve as road blocks to our ability to teach our kids to do chores.  Two of the characteristics screamed, "This is YOU, Sarah!"  One, especially struck me: The Abdicator.

Here's an excerpt:
"The Abdicator has thrown in the towel. 'I'm a failure as a parent.  I don't do anything consistently, and I'm probably not doing much well.'"
Patricia then compares this to Paul's confession in The Bible in his letter to the Romans (chapter 7).  Paul says, "I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out."
Patricia adds, "And so, knowing that they make chore charts but don't help the family live up to them, that they make resolutions to be firm and loving but then get lax or angry, an Abdicator decides, 'I'll never be able to teach my children to do housework or anything else.  Why try?'"

Oh, that is SO me!  That has been me over the past number of months regarding homeschooling, chores, and general house management.  It has been me over the past year (and off and on over the past many years) regarding diet and exercise.  I could replace Patricia's words related to parenting with words related to lifestyle:
And so, knowing that I make food plans and workout charts but don't live up to them, that I make resolutions to be consistant in my diet and to get up early to run, I decide that I'll never be able to do this, so why try?

Why try?  That's my next post.

The Lord God Made Me

My thoughts from Beth Moore's event in Las Vegas in 2003: The Lord God Made Woman.

Early in her lecture, Beth references I Thessalonians 5:23.  Wanting to know the context in which the verse was set, I began reading my way back through the chapter.  I love how God's Word is new and fresh even after reading the same passage for many years!  Here's the breakdown of the first portion of I Thessalonians 5 along with my thoughts in italics.  Understand that Paul was writing to the church in the city of Thessalonica regarding how they are to live in light of the times and Jesus' coming (the day being unknown).  He is not speaking about body image or weight issues, but it surely parallels so much of this struggle.  This struggle with my flesh IS a spiritual issue for me, so it makes sense that God uses these verses to teach me more about Himself and how I can bring my flesh under the authority of His Spirit.

 6So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be alert and self-controlled.

Okay, wake up and get out there to get exercise.  Don't stay up 'til all hours and don't sleep in, being lazy.  Self-control.  Same regarding food.  Don't mindlessly eat.  Stick to a plan.  Eat with a purpose.  Be alert.

8...let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. 

There's that self-control again! 

14And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle...

Scripture makes it clear that idleness is not okay. This is just one of quite a few examples.

16Be joyful always; 17pray continually; 18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Be joyful. Don't complain about being tired or too busy to get out for a run.  If I need encouragement, pray, seek God's word. For inspiration, watch something like this or this as a reminder to be joyful in everything.

19Do not put out the Spirit’s fire;  

The Holy Spirit is stirring this desire in me for a reason.  I can't brush it under the rug and pass it off as just a pipe-dream or unimportant to God. What if we had ignored the Spirit's stirring in us to work on our marriage or get out of debt or to adopt?

20do not treat prophecies with contempt.

When I think of prophecies related to this topic, I think of one of my husband's favorite sayings: "If it's predictable, it's preventable."  If I continue on the path of weight-gain, I will end up fat, unhealthy and miserable.  It's a foreseeable problem that is not to be scoffed at. 

21Test everything. Hold on to the good.

No fad diets or get-skinny-quick gimmicks. 

NOW for the main portion, what I'd call the "meat" that Beth refers to through the rest of her lecture.  This passage is the whole reason I read back through the first portion of chapter 5:

23May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.

Through and through.  Through and through.  Spirit.  Soul.  Body.  All to be kept blameless.  Not only my spirit and soul, but my body.  He commands it.  He calls me to it.  And He is faithful and will do it!

The Plan

For now, I'm keeping it simple.  I actually had more to it, but Ken told me to cut out most of the stuff about food and focus on the exercise, so I did.

This week I will:
- Get up before my family to run or run/walk for 45 minutes. 5 days.
- Wait to eat only when I'm hungry.  (I know I'm truly hungry when it's been several hours since I last ate and when my stomach growls PLUS I have a burning feeling in my throat. What stinks for me is that, for now, it will take many hours between meals for me to truly feel hungry.  But it will pass.)
- Blog about at least 30 minutes of The Lord God Made Woman.

There.  Simple, right?  I wish!  Oh, and everything IN me wanted to draw up a very impressive, complex plan.  Because I LOVE to plan.

Work The Plan and The Plan Works

It's time to develop a plan.  I love planning!  In fact, here are some truths about me:

I'm a dreamer and a planner. I enjoy looking up ideas, inspiration, and sample plans online. (school schedule, running plan, eating plan, etc.)

I'm a procrastinator.  I can be very lazy in my procrastination.  I set up wonderful plans, get everything organized, but not always good with the follow-through.  Case-in-point: I planned to post this last week.  Didn't do it.  I planned to listen to all of The Lord God Made Woman.  Listened to about 40 minutes. I planned to run 4 mornings last week. Ran Sunday and Monday.

I need accountability.  A running partner.  A class full of regulars who will miss me if I'm gone.  Or maybe just something that sparks inside ME to make me get out there despite outside resources.  What's YOUR motivation?

I do best when a deadline is hanging over my head.  An event.  A date on the calendar.

Here are some more truths about me that do (and will) effect my goals:

I love to exercise.  Truly.  I enjoy running.  Weight training is addictive to me.

I make it very hard on myself to get out the door to get the needed exercise.  I feel guilty for leaving in the early morning because I know Tian will wake when I'm gone and I don't want Ken to have to worry about it.  If I miss the morning workout, then I feel guilty for not just taking the kids along with me to ride bikes or run around at the park.  Note that I said I make it hard on MYSELF.  Ken nor anyone else puts that guilt on me.  In fact, he's sick of me talking about going.  He just wants me to go.

I love food.  Especially sugar.  Sugar in coffee, sugar in sweets, sugar on white rice.  Sugar.  It just sounds precious, doesn't it?  I mean true Southern precious.  "C'mere, Sugar, let me bake some cookies for you."  My problem is that I've let the food end on itself.

With those things in mind about myself, it's time to make a plan that I know can work with these aspects of who I am now.  Without a plan, I have nothing to work, so nothing WILL work.

Are you yelling at your display, "Then where's your PLAN, Sarah!??"  It's coming.  Really.