Thorns and Switches

It's been six and a half weeks since I embarked on the new way of eating.  Something is different this time around.  A switch has been turned off.  It's no small thing, either.  This is something I've prayed about for years and years.  I can't count the times I've begged God to "take this thorn from my side."  He didn't, for whatever reason.  My "thorn" was overeating, dieting, losing and gaining weight, and constantly thinking about and being dissatisfied with my weight.

This time, it's different.  For the first time since...I don't know when...ever?  I don't eat when I'm not hungry, because I don't want to.  When I'm full, I stop eating.  For many of you, this may have been your norm for your entire life, but it hasn't been for mine.  I vividly remember in my late elementary days, going to a friend's house and seeing a huge chocolate bar in her closet.  She pulled it out, took one bite, then put it back up in the closet.  She had been eating chunks off it for weeks and weeks.  I was shocked that anyone could keep candy in their own room and not eat it all instantly.  It was a complete foreign concept to me.

As an adult, I've certainly had a sugar addiction.  While I could keep a certain sugary treat around for a few days, it was only because I was eating other sugary stuff multiple times daily.  That seemed to falsely tell my body I was still hungry, because I was always eating something.  I don't think I went more than a couple of hours without putting something in my mouth.  I felt constantly over-full.  Like I've said before, I never binge-ate any one thing, but would "graze" all day with either food or drinks, the calories adding up and up and up while my weight followed.  My mind was constantly consumed (pun intended) with either food, weight, how full I felt, or how disgusted I was with myself.  Yet I kept shoving stuff down my throat.

Over the past six weeks, there's been a shift.  I eat when I'm hungry.  Often, I get hungry (my stomach actually growling/cramping to tell me I need to eat) and let the hunger pass because I'm not where I can eat something good for me.  The hunger passes, then returns and I eat when I can.  I don't die.  I don't pass out.  I don't binge once I get access to the healthy food.  I feel so hungry sometimes, I think I'll eat a lot, but then I eat a small amount of food and find myself full.   So I stop.  Typing it out, it seems like "of course.. this is how it should be."  But it hasn't been like this for me; even when I've lost weight before, I spent a lot of my time meal-planning, looking at recipes, thinking about different foods to try.  That's not happening now.  I keep healthy choices on hand, plan my family's meals for the week, and eat when I'm hungry, which seems to happen 2-4 times a day, depending on my activity that day and what I'm eating.

By the way, I've had a 3-pack of Trader Joe's dark chocolate with almonds in my closet for a week now.  Every 2 or 3 days, I'll eat a square.  I've not even made it through one bar yet.  I forget it's there.  When I see it, I don't always want it.  This is an amazing breakthrough for me.

I've thanked God for taking the thorn from my side, but I also feel cautious in doing so.  I feel like I'm being cocky; like when God hears me, he'll pull the rug out from under me.  I KNOW that's not how God works, but that's what runs through my messed-up mind.

I'm down about 15 pounds.  Weight loss seems to come in waves.  I'll lose a couple-to-3 pounds in one week, then not lose anything the next week.  I weigh every day, but still don't let the flatlines or small weight gains discourage me.  Weighing every day helps me remember my goals and keeps me on track.  For the first time, I don't hate the scale.  I am who I am and am okay with myself, no matter what the numbers read.

I have not been working out during these six weeks, but this week, I started back to heated Vinyasa yoga at my gym.  I forgot how much I love it!  It felt SO good on Wednesday night, then I was sore everywhere on Thursday.  Friday, I did a restorative yoga class, then was back to Vinyasa this morning.  As for now, I adore going.  I'm not going to push myself to run or do any activity I dread.  Today, our family went hiking, which is another activity I love and have plenty of opportunity to do in this town!

30 Days of the Whole(ish)30

Tomorrow marks 30 days without grains or sugar.  I refer to what I'm doing as the Whole30, although I'm doing an altered version of the strict 30-day plan.  One-and-a-half years ago, I did the strict Whole30 and had success, but didn't see myself keeping up that pace for the rest of my life.  After putting on even more weight during 2014, then reading so much about food and how it effects mental wellness, I decided something had to give.

Since I didn't follow the Whole30 Program Rules to the letter, what did I do?  Below, in bold, are the program rules along with my own comments explaining what I have been doing over the past 30 days and how I plan to live from here on out.

Yes: Eat real food.
--> I did this.

No: Avoid for 30 days.

• Do not consume added sugar of any kind, real or artificial.
  --> I used CoffeeMate Naturals in my coffee every morning. I also made just a couple of recipes, such as orange chicken stir-fry, with a little bit of coconut nectar.  I won't hesitate to use maple syrup on my paleo crepes or protein pancakes.
• Do not consume alcohol in any form, not even for cooking.
  --> I didn't consume alcohol. To me, it's not worth the calories/weight gain.
• Do not eat grains.
  --> I followed this to the letter, except for two special occasions. (see below)
• Do not eat legumes.
  --> I followed this until day 29, when I made my corn and bean salad. As long as legumes don't upset my stomach, I'll occasionally include them in my diet.
• Do not eat dairy.
  --> I used the CoffeeMate Naturals every morning and also had yogurt one day. 
• Do not consume carrageenan, MSG or sulfites.
  --> This is pretty easy when you're not eating processed foods.
• Do not try to re-create baked goods, junk foods, or treats* with “approved” ingredients. 
  --> While I didn't re-create baked goods, I did enjoy some "junk foods" with whole ingredients.  See some of my favorites here.  I made sweet potato french fries a few times and snacked on some potato chips (only ones made with only potatoes, oil and salt) on a few occasions.  These convenience foods were very handy when we were on our road trip and while we went camping last week.  While the family enjoys s'mores, it's a lot more fun to be enjoying Go Raw's Super Chocolate Cookies than to have nothing. I also attended a wedding for the first time in years. While there, I enjoyed a very small piece of wedding cake. Eating is social and fun; this is where I've been able to come to a place of balance over the past 30 days.  I much more enjoyed the people, conversations and celebrations than I did the food that happened to be in front of me.

One last and final rule: You are not allowed to step on the scale or take any body measurements for the duration of the program.
-->I did weigh myself, almost every day.  I've found that I don't weigh when I know I'm gaining weight.  Because of the balance I'm finding, I'm able to weigh and not feel like giving up when the numbers don't move.

If you read from the beginning of this blog, you'll see that I've struggled with weight and body issues for 85% of my life.  During my adult life, my weight has ranged from 130 to 215.  Even at my lowest weight, I wasn't satisfied with my body.  I certainly wasn't happy with my priorities during that time.  Looking back on old photos, I can see now that I looked nice, but just always felt like a blob.  This time around, I'm trying to focus on being content and even happy with myself at each turn. I remind myself that my friends have always liked me and been there for me regardless of what the scale says. I'm the only one hating myself for my weight.  The weight needs to come off for my well-being, not for my ego.  Do I feel good about myself when the weight comes off? Yes!  Will I enjoy being thinner?  Yes.  This time around, I'm just not making that the focus.  If you're curious about the numbers, I've lost 12 pounds over the past month. Eight pounds came off during the first 10 days, then 4 more pounds dropped over the next 20.

As with the first time I did the Whole30, I noticed that I haven't obsessed over food. I haven't craved food nor have I over-eaten.  There is certainly something in processed food that makes me want to keep eating it despite being full.  It also seems that sugar fuels my craving for more sugar.  For the past 30 days, food has been fuel and not an addiction.  That is why, on the camping trip, I ate a bite of s'mores and then stopped because I truly didn't want to eat more. In addition, I had no guilt over eating it.  I'm praying this new way my brain works will continue.

Eating like this can be time-consuming.  It can also cost more.  An apple costs more than a box of mac and cheese.  I can buy 2-3 12-oz. bags of Doritos for the price I pay for one 4 oz. Go Raw snack.  An 8-pack of nitrate-free, organic, all-beef hot dogs costs 4 times what "regular" hot dogs cost.  A dozen organic eggs cost about $1.50 more than non-organic.  One pound of organic grass-fed beef costs at least $2.50 more than the usual ground beef.  When you have a family of 7, all of whom enjoy snacking, that adds up to more money and more time in the kitchen.  There are times I feel like I'm constantly chopping, preparing, and cleaning up food.  (A mandolin is my next kitchen purchase!)  While my grocery bill is higher, we have saved no less than $30 per week not eating out or buying sodas and sweet tea, so it all comes out in the wash.

The kids are eating very little sugar and only some grains.  My child who has been struggling with depression has not adopted the Whole30 program yet, but is doing well in that she's reducing sugar and grains.  This kid is totally blowing me out of the water at the gym.  She sometimes goes twice a day to work out or swim, then spends some time in the steam room, hot tub and shower.  Lifetime Fitness has been a great coping technique for this child. I'm proud of her.

To further update you about her, she's currently off all psych/mood medications. As her psychiatrist stated, she'd like to get to know my child "without the muddy waters."  The combination of getting off her meds plus quitting all the grains and sugar "cold turkey" was overwhelming.  My child felt she didn't have any control over her own body and choices.  Therefore, she's making changes on her own timeline.   Even with the positive changes she's making, her weight continues to go up.  We are in the process of getting a referral to an endocrinologist to see if her thyroid is wreaking havoc on her body.  That poor girl!  Her body suffers so much.  Her mind is still giving her a lot of trouble, too, but she's been coping.  I'm ready for her body and mind to give her a break and support the amazing person she is instead of weighing her down and holding her back.  As always, your prayers are coveted!

In my next post, I'll share a bit about how I'm feeling different since adopting this way of eating.

10 Days, 8 Pounds

During the second week of April, we started reducing sugar from our family diet. We added more fresh veggies and fruits and reduced the wheat. After getting back in town from the parenting conference, we headed to the store for our serious shopping.  On the 13th, the kids and I started following the Whole9-type plan, eating fresh produce, grass-fed, organic meats, some nuts and seeds.  We did not eat dairy, sugar, or grains of any kind.  Two of the kids stuck to the strict plan for an entire week.  After that initial week, they added in some dairy and grains. This week, we celebrated one of the Brownies' birthdays, so that was their chance to have sugar again.  My child who has been struggling had a rough time eliminating everything all at once.  We decided that for her especially, we should eliminate one food-type at a time while reducing addictive food like sugar slowly.  I'll be interested to see how she does as we remove certain things.  She's completely ready to eliminate one thing at a time. She's also been working out and swimming every day, which we hope will improve her overall well-being.

As for me, I've been following basically the Whole30 plan at about 95%.  I am not eating grains at all. I put 2-3 tablespoons of CoffeeMate Natural Bliss in my coffee every morning, but have otherwise eliminated sugar and dairy.  Like last time I followed the Whole30 way of eating, I notice that my craving for food stops when I eat this way.  I don't think about food or what I'll eat.  I just go about my day, then suddenly realize I'm hungry.  I have not counted one calorie or fat gram.  I've lost 8 pounds in the past 10 days.   That pace will slow, but it's nice for now.

Another way I am not adhering strictly to the Whole30 is that I do have sex with my pants on. Before you gasp, that's the Whole30's way of describing Paleo copies of junk food.   Chocolate. I can't live without chocolate.  The darker, the better.  Here are some of my favorite discoveries.  All of these have no grains, no sugar, and no dairy, yet they are delicious!

Cacao and coconut. Can't go wrong.

Thanks, go raw, for making
yummy treats!

Lovely find for when I'd like a sweet, crunchy snack.

As for meals, it's eggs for breakfast, along with either tomato or fruit, then turkey with fresh veggies and fruits for lunch.  For dinner, it's pork chops or steak or chicken, along with grilled squash or cabbage or sweet potato and a salad.  I like to add in some bacon or nuts to any one of these meals on occasion.  About 85% of the meat I'm buying is organic. The grass-fed beef is just too pricey for me to justify, so I buy organic, hormone-free, and nitrate-free meats and eggs.  75% of our produce is organic. What I buy organic depends on a system I'll explain in a later blog.

Turkey, avocado, strawberries!

Guacamole keeps me happy! H-E-B
guac on Costco's organic ground beef.

Can you tell I like avocados?

Over the next few weeks, I will begin adding some legumes, rice, and Greek yogurt.  Oh, and we made tasted a new discovery! We are using grass-fed Kerrygold butter.  Oh. My. Word! If you haven't, buy it! H-E-B now sells it for a decent price and it's worth every penny. I can feel how eating "good" fats like nuts, seeds, coconut, avocado, and even a little butter helps me not feel deprived. When I do eat those things, I don't end up overeating like I would if I were eating processed grains and sugars.

The kids and I had gotten in the bad habit of buying either soda or sweet tea a couple of times per week at least.  To replace the soda, we buy 100% juice and mix it with mineral water. Everyone likes it, even the boys!  Because the fruit juices are so high in sugar, we still limit these drinks to a couple of times per week.  We've figured out that water isn't really as bad as we thought.

Secret Discovered! - Food and Mental Health

Oh. My. Word!

The Interwebs. I love them. And I hate them.  We can find any bit of information at the simple stroke of a keyboard (and the website better load in less than a half-second, dangit!).  We can also find a load of crap at the same simple stroke of a keyboard.

Just as soon as I read something about how we should cut out this food or that food, use this sweetener instead of that sweetener, cut this fat and add that fat, I'll come across an opposing article that tells me why the first one I read is all wrong. 

Forks Over Knives and Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead both sing the praises of a meatless diet that includes grains.  On the other hand, the whole Paleo movement (Wheatbelly and Whole30) will tell you that meat is necessary; that it's in our DNA to eat meat, and that it's modern wheat that is making us sick.  Other sources say it's dairy that causes so much mucus and inflammation.  Or maybe it's what combinations we eat, such as the Trim Healthy Mama suggests.   Everyone agrees white sugar is evil, right?  So we sweeten our food with Stevia?  No?  That's bad, too?  Honey?  Yes!  No?  Wait....

As a layperson, it makes me tired! Each method seems to have a mix of anecdotal and statistical evidence to back the claims, so what gives?

What gives is that we are all different.  That's the secret! Just as we metabolize food differently, we react to food differently.  What does this mean for my teen?  I have a few solid ideas for our family for now:

Avoid:

white sugar

high fructose corn syrup

synthetic or highly processed sweeteners (including Stevia, thank God, because I think that stuff is nasty)

highly processed foods

fake foods

meat and dairy with hormones, antibiotics, or nitrates

Eat:

fresh fruits and vegetables

most nuts and seeds

grass-fed beef

organic chicken and other fowl

wild-caught fish

Test intolerance by removing for a while. If no intolerance, add in again:

organic or raw dairy

all wheat

other grains

gluten

For 30-45 days, I'm going to have my teen (I'll be joining her) follow The Whole 30, which will remove everything I listed in the first and third lists.  After that, we will add back dairy for a few days, then gluten, then general wheat to see if she has any intolerances to that.

(Click here to read my previous post that explains why we are doing all this.)

For the first few days, we will do a gut cleanse.  This is also a debated issue, but the fact is that 95% of the body's serotonin is found in the bowels. (read more here)  For this reason alone, we are going to do some things to focus on gut health: cleansing diet, drinking Kombucha and adding in small amounts of other fermented foods, and taking a probiotic supplement.

We will add daily vigorous exercise in addition to the food changes.

I must add that we are keeping our teen on her medications. She will also be under the continued care of her doctors. I'm sure we'll have some trial and error, but we feel hopeful to find some healing. 

More at Stake - Treating Mental Illness with Food

I last blogged here over one year ago. When I checked in today, I was tempted to remove that past post where I was motivating myself to get fit in the year I had until my 40th birthday.  That year DID pass and I didn't make any progress in my health.  It's easy to be discouraged when I see my tendency to dream big, then do nothing.

This time, though, I come to this blog with a new reason to "Run Toward Freedom."  After a year in and out of psychiatric hospitals, receiving varying diagnosis, and taking more medication than we like to think about, we are finally looking at changing our family's diet in order to treat not only our child, but the entire family.

Last year, I shared three posts in my other blog about our daughter's depression.  I'm moving that thread over here to keep a record of changes we make and changes we see in our child and ourselves.

To give readers a very short version of where we are now regarding our child's diagnosis and treatment:

• she's had 5 hospitalizations over the past 12 months, all of which she went willingly
• her last stay ended last week
• over the past year, she has been treated for depressive disorder, anxiety, and mood disorder
• she has a new diagnosis of "bipolar, not otherwise specified," but they assume type 2
• if this new diagnosis is correct, it means that her medication over the past year was doing more harm than good
• she tried and quit about 4 or 5 different medications: anti-depressants, anti-anxiety and anti-phychotic
• from a young age, this child has not responded well to and/or responded very negatively to many medications (as evidenced with previous allergy and asthma medication)
• in addition to medical treatment and hospitalizations, she sees 2 therapists weekly, one of whom does EMDR therapy

One more key piece of information: Over the past 12 months, we've felt "stuck" with our psychiatrist due to insurance constraints. This was our first time to ever have a psychiatrist, so we were learning as we went along.  Our teen's doctor was impossible to reach outside of our scheduled appointments. She didn't seem to really listen to what we were needing and even disregarded our teen's therapist, who called and shared some concerns. As of Friday, we've dumped that doctor and have hired a private practice psychiatrist who is giving us some much-needed new hope.  I would encourage any person or parent going through this to do whatever you must to find a psychiatrist who you can feel is on your team, who is reachable, and who is working toward your same goal.

To say we've felt hopeless over the past year is an understatement.  We've felt like the pain of this mental illness will never go away.  We've lived in a state of frequent (sometimes constant) stress of walking on eggshells, wondering when the next episode is going to hit.  Our teen feels so tired of the war going on in her brain, she has often felt like death is the only way out.  It's heart-wrenching for us as her family to witness.  It also wears us down and wears us out at times.

Over the past few weeks, I've talked to a number of friends about what our child is going through. Repeatedly, what keeps getting brought up are these words:
gut health
clean diet
removing toxins
vigorous exercise

One person shared with us his own experience treating his bipolar with diet, another shared her experiences fighting stage IIIC cancer with diet over the past 3 years.  Other friends have shared how drastically changing their diet improved their life in a major way.  I can't ignore the obvious sign. I feel as if God is using these people to make clear a path for us.

We have a lot of reading and research to do for now.  I'll do my best to keep up this blog with the changes we are making and changes we see and don't see. These changes won't be easy, but, more than ever, this isn't just about weight, body image, or being able to run a 10K in under an hour. It's about saving our child's life.