It's been six and a half weeks since I embarked on the new way of eating. Something is different this time around. A switch has been turned off. It's no small thing, either. This is something I've prayed about for years and years. I can't count the times I've begged God to "take this thorn from my side." He didn't, for whatever reason. My "thorn" was overeating, dieting, losing and gaining weight, and constantly thinking about and being dissatisfied with my weight.
This time, it's different. For the first time since...I don't know when...ever? I don't eat when I'm not hungry, because I don't want to. When I'm full, I stop eating. For many of you, this may have been your norm for your entire life, but it hasn't been for mine. I vividly remember in my late elementary days, going to a friend's house and seeing a huge chocolate bar in her closet. She pulled it out, took one bite, then put it back up in the closet. She had been eating chunks off it for weeks and weeks. I was shocked that anyone could keep candy in their own room and not eat it all instantly. It was a complete foreign concept to me.
As an adult, I've certainly had a sugar addiction. While I could keep a certain sugary treat around for a few days, it was only because I was eating other sugary stuff multiple times daily. That seemed to falsely tell my body I was still hungry, because I was always eating something. I don't think I went more than a couple of hours without putting something in my mouth. I felt constantly over-full. Like I've said before, I never binge-ate any one thing, but would "graze" all day with either food or drinks, the calories adding up and up and up while my weight followed. My mind was constantly consumed (pun intended) with either food, weight, how full I felt, or how disgusted I was with myself. Yet I kept shoving stuff down my throat.
Over the past six weeks, there's been a shift. I eat when I'm hungry. Often, I get hungry (my stomach actually growling/cramping to tell me I need to eat) and let the hunger pass because I'm not where I can eat something good for me. The hunger passes, then returns and I eat when I can. I don't die. I don't pass out. I don't binge once I get access to the healthy food. I feel so hungry sometimes, I think I'll eat a lot, but then I eat a small amount of food and find myself full. So I stop. Typing it out, it seems like "of course.. this is how it should be." But it hasn't been like this for me; even when I've lost weight before, I spent a lot of my time meal-planning, looking at recipes, thinking about different foods to try. That's not happening now. I keep healthy choices on hand, plan my family's meals for the week, and eat when I'm hungry, which seems to happen 2-4 times a day, depending on my activity that day and what I'm eating.
By the way, I've had a 3-pack of Trader Joe's dark chocolate with almonds in my closet for a week now. Every 2 or 3 days, I'll eat a square. I've not even made it through one bar yet. I forget it's there. When I see it, I don't always want it. This is an amazing breakthrough for me.
I've thanked God for taking the thorn from my side, but I also feel cautious in doing so. I feel like I'm being cocky; like when God hears me, he'll pull the rug out from under me. I KNOW that's not how God works, but that's what runs through my messed-up mind.
I'm down about 15 pounds. Weight loss seems to come in waves. I'll lose a couple-to-3 pounds in one week, then not lose anything the next week. I weigh every day, but still don't let the flatlines or small weight gains discourage me. Weighing every day helps me remember my goals and keeps me on track. For the first time, I don't hate the scale. I am who I am and am okay with myself, no matter what the numbers read.
I have not been working out during these six weeks, but this week, I started back to heated Vinyasa yoga at my gym. I forgot how much I love it! It felt SO good on Wednesday night, then I was sore everywhere on Thursday. Friday, I did a restorative yoga class, then was back to Vinyasa this morning. As for now, I adore going. I'm not going to push myself to run or do any activity I dread. Today, our family went hiking, which is another activity I love and have plenty of opportunity to do in this town!
No comments:
Post a Comment