Thorns and Switches

It's been six and a half weeks since I embarked on the new way of eating.  Something is different this time around.  A switch has been turned off.  It's no small thing, either.  This is something I've prayed about for years and years.  I can't count the times I've begged God to "take this thorn from my side."  He didn't, for whatever reason.  My "thorn" was overeating, dieting, losing and gaining weight, and constantly thinking about and being dissatisfied with my weight.

This time, it's different.  For the first time since...I don't know when...ever?  I don't eat when I'm not hungry, because I don't want to.  When I'm full, I stop eating.  For many of you, this may have been your norm for your entire life, but it hasn't been for mine.  I vividly remember in my late elementary days, going to a friend's house and seeing a huge chocolate bar in her closet.  She pulled it out, took one bite, then put it back up in the closet.  She had been eating chunks off it for weeks and weeks.  I was shocked that anyone could keep candy in their own room and not eat it all instantly.  It was a complete foreign concept to me.

As an adult, I've certainly had a sugar addiction.  While I could keep a certain sugary treat around for a few days, it was only because I was eating other sugary stuff multiple times daily.  That seemed to falsely tell my body I was still hungry, because I was always eating something.  I don't think I went more than a couple of hours without putting something in my mouth.  I felt constantly over-full.  Like I've said before, I never binge-ate any one thing, but would "graze" all day with either food or drinks, the calories adding up and up and up while my weight followed.  My mind was constantly consumed (pun intended) with either food, weight, how full I felt, or how disgusted I was with myself.  Yet I kept shoving stuff down my throat.

Over the past six weeks, there's been a shift.  I eat when I'm hungry.  Often, I get hungry (my stomach actually growling/cramping to tell me I need to eat) and let the hunger pass because I'm not where I can eat something good for me.  The hunger passes, then returns and I eat when I can.  I don't die.  I don't pass out.  I don't binge once I get access to the healthy food.  I feel so hungry sometimes, I think I'll eat a lot, but then I eat a small amount of food and find myself full.   So I stop.  Typing it out, it seems like "of course.. this is how it should be."  But it hasn't been like this for me; even when I've lost weight before, I spent a lot of my time meal-planning, looking at recipes, thinking about different foods to try.  That's not happening now.  I keep healthy choices on hand, plan my family's meals for the week, and eat when I'm hungry, which seems to happen 2-4 times a day, depending on my activity that day and what I'm eating.

By the way, I've had a 3-pack of Trader Joe's dark chocolate with almonds in my closet for a week now.  Every 2 or 3 days, I'll eat a square.  I've not even made it through one bar yet.  I forget it's there.  When I see it, I don't always want it.  This is an amazing breakthrough for me.

I've thanked God for taking the thorn from my side, but I also feel cautious in doing so.  I feel like I'm being cocky; like when God hears me, he'll pull the rug out from under me.  I KNOW that's not how God works, but that's what runs through my messed-up mind.

I'm down about 15 pounds.  Weight loss seems to come in waves.  I'll lose a couple-to-3 pounds in one week, then not lose anything the next week.  I weigh every day, but still don't let the flatlines or small weight gains discourage me.  Weighing every day helps me remember my goals and keeps me on track.  For the first time, I don't hate the scale.  I am who I am and am okay with myself, no matter what the numbers read.

I have not been working out during these six weeks, but this week, I started back to heated Vinyasa yoga at my gym.  I forgot how much I love it!  It felt SO good on Wednesday night, then I was sore everywhere on Thursday.  Friday, I did a restorative yoga class, then was back to Vinyasa this morning.  As for now, I adore going.  I'm not going to push myself to run or do any activity I dread.  Today, our family went hiking, which is another activity I love and have plenty of opportunity to do in this town!

30 Days of the Whole(ish)30

Tomorrow marks 30 days without grains or sugar.  I refer to what I'm doing as the Whole30, although I'm doing an altered version of the strict 30-day plan.  One-and-a-half years ago, I did the strict Whole30 and had success, but didn't see myself keeping up that pace for the rest of my life.  After putting on even more weight during 2014, then reading so much about food and how it effects mental wellness, I decided something had to give.

Since I didn't follow the Whole30 Program Rules to the letter, what did I do?  Below, in bold, are the program rules along with my own comments explaining what I have been doing over the past 30 days and how I plan to live from here on out.

Yes: Eat real food.
--> I did this.

No: Avoid for 30 days.

• Do not consume added sugar of any kind, real or artificial.
  --> I used CoffeeMate Naturals in my coffee every morning. I also made just a couple of recipes, such as orange chicken stir-fry, with a little bit of coconut nectar.  I won't hesitate to use maple syrup on my paleo crepes or protein pancakes.
• Do not consume alcohol in any form, not even for cooking.
  --> I didn't consume alcohol. To me, it's not worth the calories/weight gain.
• Do not eat grains.
  --> I followed this to the letter, except for two special occasions. (see below)
• Do not eat legumes.
  --> I followed this until day 29, when I made my corn and bean salad. As long as legumes don't upset my stomach, I'll occasionally include them in my diet.
• Do not eat dairy.
  --> I used the CoffeeMate Naturals every morning and also had yogurt one day. 
• Do not consume carrageenan, MSG or sulfites.
  --> This is pretty easy when you're not eating processed foods.
• Do not try to re-create baked goods, junk foods, or treats* with “approved” ingredients. 
  --> While I didn't re-create baked goods, I did enjoy some "junk foods" with whole ingredients.  See some of my favorites here.  I made sweet potato french fries a few times and snacked on some potato chips (only ones made with only potatoes, oil and salt) on a few occasions.  These convenience foods were very handy when we were on our road trip and while we went camping last week.  While the family enjoys s'mores, it's a lot more fun to be enjoying Go Raw's Super Chocolate Cookies than to have nothing. I also attended a wedding for the first time in years. While there, I enjoyed a very small piece of wedding cake. Eating is social and fun; this is where I've been able to come to a place of balance over the past 30 days.  I much more enjoyed the people, conversations and celebrations than I did the food that happened to be in front of me.

One last and final rule: You are not allowed to step on the scale or take any body measurements for the duration of the program.
-->I did weigh myself, almost every day.  I've found that I don't weigh when I know I'm gaining weight.  Because of the balance I'm finding, I'm able to weigh and not feel like giving up when the numbers don't move.

If you read from the beginning of this blog, you'll see that I've struggled with weight and body issues for 85% of my life.  During my adult life, my weight has ranged from 130 to 215.  Even at my lowest weight, I wasn't satisfied with my body.  I certainly wasn't happy with my priorities during that time.  Looking back on old photos, I can see now that I looked nice, but just always felt like a blob.  This time around, I'm trying to focus on being content and even happy with myself at each turn. I remind myself that my friends have always liked me and been there for me regardless of what the scale says. I'm the only one hating myself for my weight.  The weight needs to come off for my well-being, not for my ego.  Do I feel good about myself when the weight comes off? Yes!  Will I enjoy being thinner?  Yes.  This time around, I'm just not making that the focus.  If you're curious about the numbers, I've lost 12 pounds over the past month. Eight pounds came off during the first 10 days, then 4 more pounds dropped over the next 20.

As with the first time I did the Whole30, I noticed that I haven't obsessed over food. I haven't craved food nor have I over-eaten.  There is certainly something in processed food that makes me want to keep eating it despite being full.  It also seems that sugar fuels my craving for more sugar.  For the past 30 days, food has been fuel and not an addiction.  That is why, on the camping trip, I ate a bite of s'mores and then stopped because I truly didn't want to eat more. In addition, I had no guilt over eating it.  I'm praying this new way my brain works will continue.

Eating like this can be time-consuming.  It can also cost more.  An apple costs more than a box of mac and cheese.  I can buy 2-3 12-oz. bags of Doritos for the price I pay for one 4 oz. Go Raw snack.  An 8-pack of nitrate-free, organic, all-beef hot dogs costs 4 times what "regular" hot dogs cost.  A dozen organic eggs cost about $1.50 more than non-organic.  One pound of organic grass-fed beef costs at least $2.50 more than the usual ground beef.  When you have a family of 7, all of whom enjoy snacking, that adds up to more money and more time in the kitchen.  There are times I feel like I'm constantly chopping, preparing, and cleaning up food.  (A mandolin is my next kitchen purchase!)  While my grocery bill is higher, we have saved no less than $30 per week not eating out or buying sodas and sweet tea, so it all comes out in the wash.

The kids are eating very little sugar and only some grains.  My child who has been struggling with depression has not adopted the Whole30 program yet, but is doing well in that she's reducing sugar and grains.  This kid is totally blowing me out of the water at the gym.  She sometimes goes twice a day to work out or swim, then spends some time in the steam room, hot tub and shower.  Lifetime Fitness has been a great coping technique for this child. I'm proud of her.

To further update you about her, she's currently off all psych/mood medications. As her psychiatrist stated, she'd like to get to know my child "without the muddy waters."  The combination of getting off her meds plus quitting all the grains and sugar "cold turkey" was overwhelming.  My child felt she didn't have any control over her own body and choices.  Therefore, she's making changes on her own timeline.   Even with the positive changes she's making, her weight continues to go up.  We are in the process of getting a referral to an endocrinologist to see if her thyroid is wreaking havoc on her body.  That poor girl!  Her body suffers so much.  Her mind is still giving her a lot of trouble, too, but she's been coping.  I'm ready for her body and mind to give her a break and support the amazing person she is instead of weighing her down and holding her back.  As always, your prayers are coveted!

In my next post, I'll share a bit about how I'm feeling different since adopting this way of eating.

Secret Discovered! - Food and Mental Health

Oh. My. Word!

The Interwebs. I love them. And I hate them.  We can find any bit of information at the simple stroke of a keyboard (and the website better load in less than a half-second, dangit!).  We can also find a load of crap at the same simple stroke of a keyboard.

Just as soon as I read something about how we should cut out this food or that food, use this sweetener instead of that sweetener, cut this fat and add that fat, I'll come across an opposing article that tells me why the first one I read is all wrong. 

Forks Over Knives and Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead both sing the praises of a meatless diet that includes grains.  On the other hand, the whole Paleo movement (Wheatbelly and Whole30) will tell you that meat is necessary; that it's in our DNA to eat meat, and that it's modern wheat that is making us sick.  Other sources say it's dairy that causes so much mucus and inflammation.  Or maybe it's what combinations we eat, such as the Trim Healthy Mama suggests.   Everyone agrees white sugar is evil, right?  So we sweeten our food with Stevia?  No?  That's bad, too?  Honey?  Yes!  No?  Wait....

As a layperson, it makes me tired! Each method seems to have a mix of anecdotal and statistical evidence to back the claims, so what gives?

What gives is that we are all different.  That's the secret! Just as we metabolize food differently, we react to food differently.  What does this mean for my teen?  I have a few solid ideas for our family for now:

Avoid:

white sugar

high fructose corn syrup

synthetic or highly processed sweeteners (including Stevia, thank God, because I think that stuff is nasty)

highly processed foods

fake foods

meat and dairy with hormones, antibiotics, or nitrates

Eat:

fresh fruits and vegetables

most nuts and seeds

grass-fed beef

organic chicken and other fowl

wild-caught fish

Test intolerance by removing for a while. If no intolerance, add in again:

organic or raw dairy

all wheat

other grains

gluten

For 30-45 days, I'm going to have my teen (I'll be joining her) follow The Whole 30, which will remove everything I listed in the first and third lists.  After that, we will add back dairy for a few days, then gluten, then general wheat to see if she has any intolerances to that.

(Click here to read my previous post that explains why we are doing all this.)

For the first few days, we will do a gut cleanse.  This is also a debated issue, but the fact is that 95% of the body's serotonin is found in the bowels. (read more here)  For this reason alone, we are going to do some things to focus on gut health: cleansing diet, drinking Kombucha and adding in small amounts of other fermented foods, and taking a probiotic supplement.

We will add daily vigorous exercise in addition to the food changes.

I must add that we are keeping our teen on her medications. She will also be under the continued care of her doctors. I'm sure we'll have some trial and error, but we feel hopeful to find some healing. 

The Whole30 Challenge - Review

Tomorrow is Day 30 of my Whole 30 Challenge. If you'd like to read about the challenge from the beginning, start here and follow through by clicking "newer posts."

 I'm bullet-pointing my thoughts and conclusions, including why I don't think eating Paleo is THE answer, below:

I lost 10-12 pounds.  I credit that to the fact that I ate WAY less food.
I didn't increase my activity level during these 30 days, so the weight loss was all food-related.
I didn't count or even look at calories, fat content, or anything else other than ingredients.
I ate less food because I wasn't craving food.
I never felt deprived or starved.
Most of the time, I didn't eat until I was physically hungry and could feel my stomach growl.
I'm convinced the reduction in cravings was due to eliminating sugar and processed foods.
I never felt a boost in my energy levels.
The...um...product of my digestion seemed very "off" during these 30 days.  I certainly wasn't seeing Ms. Ideal, and I am not one to have bathroom issues.
I did continue to drink coffee with my favorite CoffeeMate Natural Bliss creamer. I had 2 mugs of coffee or less per day, with about 3 tablespoons of creamer. I tried to make an approved creamer, but it was yuck. I might attempt the recipe again one of these days.
I did enjoy (although I only made this a couple of times during the 30 days) this treat made with dates.
I'm glad I took the challenge.

What does this mean I'll be doing from now on?

I will reduce my meat-eating.  I just can't keep up the amount of meat required for this diet in its most strict form.
I will continue to eat eggs almost daily, fish, chicken and occasional red meats.
I will eat organic, grass-fed, free-range meat sources when I do eat meat.
I will continue to avoid sugar as much as possible. I can feel that removing sugar reduced or even removed my constant cravings.
I will eat some grains my doctor approved: steel-cut oats, brown rice, quinoa, and a very occasional gluten-free, low ingredient bread.  My doctor recommended I keep my grain intake under 4 servings per week.  I will be interested to see how that affects my food cravings.
I will add back small amounts of dairy. (Some organic milk and occasional Greek yogurt, but not cheese.)
High-quality, dark chocolate.  Amen.
I will add some beans/legumes to my diet.
I will continue to add more vegetables and fruits to my diet.
I will not fall for the trap of a "low fat" diet. I know from experience, those don't work.
I will add activity and tough workouts back into my routine.
I will continue to compare what I eat with how I feel, then make adjustments as needed.

The key, I believe, is balance, eating less altogether, eating more whole and natural foods, moving more, and finding what works for YOU.  There will always be the next big study that proves eating one way or the other is best or bad for you. Just read through these two and your head will spin:
Forks Over Knives
Whole9 Start

I also believe that the Bible says:
-Every moving thing that lives shall be food for you. And as I gave you the green plants, I give you everything.-So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

Whole30 Challenge! Surviving Halloween

I've accomplished days 14-19 since my last post.  Most of the days have been the same.  I do notice I feel more "awake" throughout the day.  The carb-and-sugar-filled foods, I'm still not craving.  I've been able to find a nice balance of fish, poultry, and a little red meat so that I'm enjoying the meals.

The biggest change is that I'm not constantly wanting to eat or even thinking about food.  I love this!

Halloween was last night.  Our street has a cul-de-sac party, setting up table and bringing a potluck.  I cooked up some chicken tenders (chicken breast dipped in egg white, dredged in a mixture of coconut flour and some spices, then skillet cooked with some clarified butter.)  I ate chicken and some veggies, then kept a Lara Bar in my pocket in case the candy temptation hit.  It really didn't, but later in the evening, when friends were enjoying eating together, I opened up the Lara Bar and enjoyed eating with the group.  It was as much social as anything.

This morning, as I cooked breakfast, I thought about how many Halloweens I've totally overeaten my kids' candy.  (Almond Joy is my favorite.)  I'd continue to eat lots of candy over the next several days. Then, to satiate my guilt, I would eat "real" food, even though I wasn't hungry.  Since I seem to have trouble stopping the candy-eating, this new system of "just don't even start" really worked for me.  I hope that some day, I'll be able to enjoy a couple pieces of Halloween candy and stop there, but I'm just not at a place where I can do that yet.  For now, I can honestly say that I didn't miss eating candy last night (and at the 2 or 3 other Halloween parties we attended).

Happy Halloween!

I've still not started a consistent exercise regimen.  My oldest has found some tough workouts on YouTube she wants me to do with her.  I've put her off for three days now, so today's the day!

Whole30 Challenge 2nd Week

Days 8-13

I'm just about at the halfway mark!  Here's a bullet-point of what's up.

• Although I'm feeling hungry more than in the first week, I'm still only feeling it 2-3 times per day.
• I'm sleeping better.
• Pre-packing meals is a must.  I've been able to wing it with leftovers and tuna, but need to be more purposeful in meal planning for to-go meals.
• Did my first eating out yesterday.  For lunch, I had an "Unwich" from Jimmy Johns.  The family went out for dinner, for the first time in a long time, at Chipotles.  I ordered a salad with chicken, fajita veggies, salsa and yummy guacamole. 
• I need to increase my activity levels.  The first week, I was in pain with my pinched nerve.  That pain has resolved (could be diet, chiropractor, time, pain reliever or any mixture of those things.) I have no excuse to not get out and exercise.  I actually love it, but the getting out is the toughest part.  I do have a couple of workout buddies now, so that will help.
•  I'm drinking much less coffee.  Just one or two cups in the morning, then I don't feel like I need it any more throughout the day.

Heading into the second half, my major goals are:

• plan all meals for the week and prep to-go foods
• get out and walk/jog 20 minutes every day
• practice yoga twice per week

Onward!  For my friends who are also on this journey, how's it going?

Whole30 Challenge - Ending Week 1

Day 6
I wasn't hungry most of the day.  I started my early day with some pumpkin "pancakes."  They are made with pumpkin, eggs, and coconut oil, so basically, they are pumpkin eggs.  But that doesn't sound so great, does it?  They're called pancakes because they are cooked like pancakes.  They were very good.
I spent the morning volunteering for an event, ate a few nuts, then went home, still not hungry, at 1:00. I had some leftover sage chicken and mushrooms.
In the afternoon, our whole family attended a Halloween event.  There were food trucks and candy galore, but I didn't crave any of it.  I still wasn't hungry.
When we got home around 7pm, I wasn't hungry, but made myself eat some salad and tuna.

 What I've decided: If I'm not physically hungry, I'm not going to eat.  My cravings are gone, so I'm going to start listening to my body and eat when I feel physically hungry.  As stated in the program:

The Whole30 takes you out of sugar-burner mode, and transitions you into being fat adapted—efficiently able to utilize fat as energy. This process starts in just five days, but can take weeks to really kick in to the point that you notice the effects. When it does, however, your body will begin to utilize fat as fuel more readily, helping you avoid between-meal cravings, energy slumps, and brain fog. In addition, once you’re fat-adapted, you’ll be able to start whittling away at your fat stores—something you are unable to do when you’re running on nothing but sugar.

• Sugar Burner = Energy roller coaster; “needing” to eat every two hours; cranky when you’re hungry; regular cravings for sweets or caffeine; dysfunctional hormonal response to food.

• Fat Adapted = Even energy all throughout the day; no need to eat between meals; stuck without food — no crankiness or raging hunger; reduced cravings for sweets or caffeine; improved body composition and hormonal response to food.

I'm not hungry because my body has 50 extra pounds of fat stores from which to draw!  Ha!  So, instead of thinking I must eat, I'll just listen to my body and eat when I'm hungry.

Day 7
Woke up at 6:00 am.  Not hungry at all, so decided not to eat.  I worked an early-morning shift.  Finally felt my stomach growling at around 9:00 am, so ate when I got home.  I spent an hour or so chopping, pre-cooking, and prepping food for the next day or two.

As day 7 comes to an end, I have to say I'm still not adoring the meat-eating on this plan, but, hey....isn't that kind of the point?  I don't crave eating.  I'm eating for fuel and it tastes just fine.  I love the veggies, fruits and nuts, but eat meat because I know that's what satiates me.  That'll work!  Anxious to see how the next three weeks go.

Whole30 Challenge Days 3-5

Day 3
Yuck. I felt pretty bad on day 3.  I was sick of meat.  Sick of eggs.  I wasn't craving grains or even sugar, but I was just tired of eating what I was eating.
Day 4
The results of my upset stomach wreaked havoc on me in the morning.  I had major stomach cramps and had the pleasure of running to the bathroom numerous time in the morning.   However, I wasn't craving food at all. When I felt physically hungry, I ate some of the more bland choices of foods. By mid-day, I felt much better.  I had my first chiropractor appointment in the evening, then did my grocery shopping at Trader Joe's.

I borrowed these two books from the library.  Practical Paleo was recommended by my doctor and I know it will give me good ideas for the "I'm sick of ____!" problem.  I just picked up It Starts With Food, the foundation book of The Whole 30, today.   After 5 days following the plan from what I read online and what a friend shared with me, it's nice to be reading the book.  Their approach is very balanced, even though the 30-day challenge is restrictive.  I have to admit, the recipes in It Starts With Food do not look very appetizing to me at this point.  I've not ever been a heavy meat-eater, so it's taking some adjusting.

Advice given by my chiropractor:
- Drink more water.  It's a natural pain reliever.  So, today, I had two glasses of water before my coffee. She also suggested I drink water during each of my 15-second breaks between calls.  That was tougher to do than I thought.  That 15 seconds goes by in a blink.
- Exercise consistently, as opposed to with intensity, for now.  I've been wanting to just jump right back to where I was 3 1/2 years ago, running 3 miles with ease, looking forward to long runs, killing it at boot camp 3 times a week.  But I've put on 45+/- pounds over the past 3 1/2 years.  Yes, you read that correctly.  So the truth is, I will not be jumping right back into the same intensity I had when I had 1/4 less weight and was working out consistently.  So for now, my new goal is to get out and walk 20 minutes every day.  Beyond that, I may walk/run, stay out 45 minutes, do yoga and some weight training, but at least...I will be out walking 20 minutes.   Knowing myself and how I like being athletic, I'll add intensity soon after the habit of getting out is formed.

Day 5
Today was better.  No cramping.  No strong aversions to food.  But I didn't really want to eat much of anything, either.  When I was hungry, I ate eggs and fruit; salad and tuna; chicken and mushrooms and a few bites of a Lara Bar.

Even though I'm not loving it just yet, I already am losing sugar and grain cravings, so I'm going to stick with it.  Here's to day 6!

Whole30 Day 1 & 2

Days 1 and 2 have been completed!  The program outlines that these days will feel fabulous and easy. I can attest to that.

I've mostly been eating arugula, spinach, fish and beef (all organic or wild or grass fed).  For breakfast, I've been eating eggs and veggies, so will soon need to experiment with some recipes for "Paleo" breakfast items that aren't all eggy.   For snacks, I've had raw nuts or fruit.

I'm looking forward to Thursday, which is grocery day.  I have been reading a book recommended to me by Dr. Dicky called the Practical Paleo.  There is a lot of good information in that book and I hope the recipes will give me some variety so that I don't get sick of eating the same few dishes over and over again.  Tonight, Ken bought dates so that I can make a Paleo coffee creamer that has no sugar, no artificial sweeteners, nor dairy.  I am thinking I will either video or photograph the process and share it here on my blog, especially if it's a success.

Now that my back/neck is healing (I'm at about 80%. In fact, right now, I am entering this blog by using speech dictation on my MacBook. It hurts too much to sit down for a long period of time and it's getting late, so I'm lying down and speaking this out rather than typing.), I'll be able to get back out and exercise in the mornings.

Here goes day 3...

30 Day Challenge

Over the weekend, one of my co-workers challenged our team to take on a 30-day challenge, The Whole 30.

When I read the outline of the plan, it's exactly what Dr. Dickey told me to do when I saw him back in May.  So why have I waited so long to make these changes?

Fear.  Fear of:
- giving up grains and sugar
- going it alone
- grieving the loss of the foods I like so much: chips and queso, laceys, tortillas
- failure

Why I'm doing it despite my fears:
- I have support. Thanks, Scott for inviting us to join you and Matt.  Hannah is also wanting to join the challenge.
- The plan is reasonable.  The 30 days are fairly restrictive, but then you can add back in foods you like.  The way I will add in the foods, I'll be able to test to see what foods, if any, are causing problems for me.  This means I won't have to say goodbye to laceys or queso forever.  Like Dr. Dickey had advised, I would just reduce the number of times per week I have certain foods.
- My weight.  I just keep gaining weight.  The extra weight is uncomfortable and will start giving me all kinds of health problems. It hinders my activity level and energy level and simply makes me feel bad about myself.
- The foods I eat affect inflammation.  With my pinched nerve hurting so severely, I figure this is a great time to eliminate foods that could be aggravating it.
- I can do anything for 30 days.

Today is my "Day 0."  The 30 days will end on November 12.  30 days is an attainable, manageable goal for me, but I have a BIG goal:  To be in good physical condition by my 40th birthday. I would like to start my 40th year in good physical shape, so I have exactly one year and two months to work really hard to get to a place, health-wise, where I really want to be.