I'm not totally fond of that term in the way Beachbody intends it. Like somehow if I shed some pounds I'll be "fixed." But at the same time, it fits my situation.
If you click back through this blog, covering a span of years, you'll see clearly there is an issue with my body/spirit connection that needs to be fixed. My last post was over a year ago. I was in a great place and cautiously optimistic. The caution came from years of stops and starts, weight loss and weight gain, caring and not caring.
Well, here I am 13 months after my last post, having lost 23 pounds before fall 2015, then gaining almost every single pound back since. That is my pattern.
I recently listened to one of my favorite podcasts, This American Life. "Tell Me I'm Fat" was an excellent episode. I highly recommend reading or listening (transcript available through the link). Writer Lindy West shared her story of "fat acceptance." She actually began "coming out" as fat. Even though her friends and family could see her, it was like a dirty secret no one talked about, so she started coming out: stating factually to those around her that, "I'm fat. And I'm okay with that. I like who I am and I like my size." She challenges people to alter their standard of beauty. Explore why you define beauty the way you do. Who influences your thoughts and why?
Her boss, on the other hand, adamantly argued with her that "fat acceptance" is foolish due to the health risks. He deemed fat rolls as "unsightly" and publicly shamed fat people in his articles.
Another woman, Roxane Gay, hasn't yet come to a place of loving her body. She talks about how she differentiates "Lane Bryant fat" with "can't buy conventional clothes or sit in conventional chairs" fat. Roxane is also a woman of color and discusses that angle of how people perceive her.
Listening to the podcast made me realize I'm certainly not okay with being fat. I'm not like Lindy, who truly came to a place where she sees herself and other fat people as perfectly fine just the way they are. I'll be honest and say that I try to not judge other people, but I do. I literally size people up. And it has everything to do with me and nothing to do with them. It's my own mess in my head and that is what needs to be fixed. So I wonder, is my perception because of society's definition and push of an ideal beauty? Is it because I personally don't feel "right" when I'm overweight? Is it because I don't believe our human bodies were designed by God to carry so much extra weight?
I do not, and have not for many many years, feel that I, nor anyone else, should meet the ideals pushed on us by media and even government standards of "health." Those BMI calculators have always been a joke. Even when I've been at my lowest weight and peak physical performance, I'm still considered to be at the top range of "normal weight." If I'm 5'4" and 146 pounds, which would be a very healthy, good place for me (even 155 would be a good weight for my body), I would be considered overweight.
So, it's clear that the "fix" is more for my brain than anything. Reading my last blog, I was doing well and not seeing a regression in sight. But by November, I was rapidly increasing my sugar and wheat intake and the weight gain followed instantly.
It's tempting to go back and delete this entire blog. It's embarrassing to read my confident statements, my expressed resolve, then admit I am where I am now.
But I'm keeping it there. The truth is the truth. I'm starting the 21-Day Fix today, then meeting with a friend who happens to also be a personal trainer, Beachbody coach, and life coach.
Added to this physical journey is a spiritual aspect I'll share later.
Let me admit freely. I'm not really looking forward to this.
Coming up: Daily Report
How to Do 21-Day Fix on a Budget
No comments:
Post a Comment