My Idol

If you haven't figured it out by now, my weight is my idol.  Food is my idol.  My self is my idol.

Last Sunday at church, Matt taught from John 4, when Jesus met the Samaritan woman at the well.  He named three wrong "wells" that we tend to dig from.  We seek comfort, satisfaction and pleasure from these wells when they only satisfy for a moment and often leaving us with more longing and greater frustration.  The "wells" he named were 1. money/comfort  2. relationship/sex  3. respect/acceptance.  I guess this idol of mine, my "well" if you will, could fit under all three categories.  Matt said money is often a means that leads to comfort, but my means is often food.  And my desire to be thinner often relates who how I believe others see me.  It certainly affects my relationships, even if it doesn't appear that way on the surface.

Another way this issue has become my idol is by becoming consuming.  I think about it constantly.  Just today, Ken took a video of our 3 year-old son sitting on my lap and counting, signing "1--2--3!!" in anticipation of me dropping him nearly to the floor.  When I watched the video, my thoughts went like this: Look at my chin!  I can't believe I've gotten so puffy in my face again. And look at my arms! Geez, I better not wear sleeveless shirts, that looks horrible.  I am SO thick!  I hate my body.

Okay, I couldn't help but smile at how utterly adorable my son is, but the majority of my thoughts were on...mySELF.

Another thing Matt often teaches is how God's creation isn't meant to end on itself.  God didn't simply put things on earth for our enjoyment, but for our enjoyment that then compels us to worship Him.  Matt uses many things as examples, but one stuck in my mind: food.  God didn't simply create flavors, smells, colors and textures of food for us to enjoy.  (And of course, for us to fuel our bodies and survive.) We don't eat and the purpose of food ends there.  We eat, enjoying the flavors, thanking God for His provision, creativity, fun, brilliance.  When we eat just for our own pleasure or to fill some other kind of void (loneliness, stress, sadness, etc.) we are abusing food, God's creation, in the same way we can abuse sex, money, or any number of things that began with God's design and provision.

So, before I list my goals (which I intend to do this week and will post them here), I need to understand my purpose.  I need to understand the reasons, even the ugly reasons, why I so badly want to take this weight off and keep it off.  Why I am so quick to despise my body.  Why I don't. follow. through!
This week, I will be listening, again, to "The LORD God Made Woman" by Beth Moore. As described, on her website "The LORD God Made a Woman is a 2-cd message from a portion of the Las Vegas event. In a culture of extremes, we choose balance in health and fitness, and avoid food-related obsessions when living under the authority of the Holy Spirit within us."

Time to get to work.