Resurrection

It's time to resurrect this blog.  In the past, I've been a little harsh with this blog.  I consider it the "black sheep" of my social media.  Facebook is my way to keep connected to (at some point in my life) real-life friends and family. Instagram appeals to me because a picture is worth one thousand words; plus, I could go back and pour over old photos for hours at a time.  Signs of Life: The Brownie Chronicles is a fun blog to keep track of the boys' and our entire family's journey since beginning the adoption process.

Then there is the "Running Toward Freedom" blog.  Ugh.  I've started and stopped this blog over and over again for years.  I've left it unwritten for months at a time.  I've opened the "new post" page, staring at the blank page, only to shut the computer, unable to sort out what I want to post.

Three weeks ago, I started, yet again, for the umpteenth time, working out, logging my food on the My Plate app, and have lost 8 pounds: 5 the first week, 2 the second, and 1 this week.

Yoga is a practice I've fallen in love with over the past three weeks.  I also tried Zumba for the first time.  That's certainly a fun way to keep up my heart rate for an hour!  Yoga is what I most look forward to doing.  My favorite is Hot Vinyasa Yoga.

Because of this "resurrection" of my road to fitness, I decided to also resurrect my blog.  So here goes...the good, the bad, and the sweaty.

The Funk that Won't Go Away

[This is an April post copied post from my other blog.]

It's hard to believe I posted this entry in November of last year, but I did!  I went looking for this old entry and figured I posted it back in February or something.  I was shocked that it was from November!

I had posted:

"Because of the season of life I'm in (nearing 40, newly-expanded family, major life-changing move, and weight gain that ticks me off greatly), I've been experiencing days feeling very low.  I've blogged before about how I don't like using the word "depressed" lightly, so I don't think I'll use it here.  But I've been feeling dark, low, melancholy, aimless, and tired."

Since November, those feelings didn't go away.  Oh, they might subside for a time, but would rear their ugly heads at any random time.  In addition to those feelings, I was experiencing an overwhelming feeling of failure.  

These feelings would manifest themselves by my simply giving up and doing nothing.  I felt so overwhelmed by everything I wasn't accomplishing that I felt I should be accomplishing, that I would want to just stay inside all day.  

By nature, I'm an optimistic person.  Even when I've felt "down" in the past, I haven't felt so paralyzed.  I'm also very social and outgoing.  So the fact that I was turning inward and hated leaving the house and being around lots of other people gave me a clue something wasn't right.  

In addition to my own feelings, I had two different girlfriends come right out and ask me if I thought I might be depressed.  One of these friends gave me a book about women and depression and the other just flat-out told me I needed to go see a doctor....the next day and said she'd watch my kids so I could go in.  (Might I add that these ladies are true-blue friends!! It takes guts to be so honest and I'm immensely grateful.)

I wouldn't have thought I was depressed, because I appeared to be functioning okay, but when I opened the assessment in the book "Unveiling Depression in Women," I cried for half an hour, reading through it and seeing myself in a majority of the descriptions.

I wanted to stay in almost all the time.
I dreaded going out and talking to or seeing people.
I was either sad or just numb for hours at a time.
More than anything, I felt an overwhelming sense of failure in every area of my life.
Reason, logic, nor "pep talks" would help me feel better.
In addition to the failure, I felt like I couldn't pick myself up and dig my way out of the pit this time.

What confused matters for me was that I still had a lot of joy in my life.  I love my husband and my satisfaction with him hadn't changed.  I adore my kids...they all bring me so much deep joy it's hard to put into words.  I like where we live and where we go to church.  There wasn't one thing I could put my finger on that would explain why I felt depressed.  Before I experienced depression for myself, I wouldn't have understood it.  It was just a feeling of oppression.  Lethargy.  Failure.  And I knew I couldn't function that way for very long.

One of my girlfriends had offered to watch my kids, so I took them to her house and went to see a doctor.  I'm so glad I did.  It took some humility, that's for sure.  I struggled with thoughts like:


If you prayed more, you'd not be depressed.
If you were a good mom/wife, you could get yourself out of this funk.
You stink at homeschooling. You used to be good at it, but not any more.
Only people unwilling to change end up taking meds for depression.

But I'm at the point in my life where I don't really mind admitting I need help and then asking for it.  The doctor was able to verify that I did need a bit of a "reboot" and, a month later, I'm feeling much better.   I still have some work to do just to get back into the groove of life, but I feel a lot better.

I considered not posting this.  There is some risk in airing very personal information.  People may misunderstand, misinterpret, or assume things that aren't true.  However, I've logged our journey this far...the good and the bad.  The stresses and joys.  This is something that hit me; I never would have expected it.  My hope is that if anyone reading this ever feels overwhelmed, even if not to the point of being depressed, they would seek help...from friends, church, counselors, and doctors if needed.  There 

The Anti-New Year Resolution

I'm all for fresh starts.  As a believer in Christ, I know His mercies are new every morning. (Lamentations 3:22-23) and that, in Christ, I'm a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).  When I mess up and ask for forgiveness, the slate is clean (I John 1:9).

Over the years, however, I've grown a bit cynical of New Year's Resolutions.  The way I see it, if I'm resolving to do something, then I should just do it.  (Yeah, right...do you read this blog?)  I've also had 30-something years of NOT following through with resolutions, so when I begin thinking of the fresh start brought in with a new year, I decide that I'm going to start anything, it most certainly will not be on January 1.

With that being said, and if you have read any of my previous posts, you know I should be jumping on the New Year's Resolution bandwagon and riding it into the sunset of fitness, health and peace.   So why am I not doing that?

I'm scared.  I'm afraid.  I'm scared of giving up things I love, like comfort-eating and lounging in my warm bed on cold mornings.  I'm afraid of failure; of disappointing myself one more time.  At this point in my life, I've lost and gained back weight (20-40 pounds) about three times.  All three times, I lost weight by reasonably eating less and exercising more.  All three times, I was certain I was keeping it off for good.

So this year, when I find myself at my highest weight ever, I also find my usually-upbeat, optimistic self being very pessimistic.  While I feel like not even trying, I know that if I keep going in my current direction, I'll be qualifying as a contestant on The Biggest Loser by the time I'm 40.  Hmm..maybe I should do that: gain another hundred pounds, go on The Biggest Loser, win The Biggest Loser title, take home the $250,000 prize and become a famous spokesperson and public speaker.

Okay, okay, I know that's not reasonable.  So here's what's swimming around in this doubtful brain of mine:
--I went to boot camp through the end of the year, but getting up that early is killer at this season of my life. With older kids who stay up until 10:00pm and toddlers who wake early, late night is my time to live in a silent house.  My friends and I are all currently on the fence about if we'll go this year or not.

--I was considering the half-marathon training, but a good friend of mine shared wisdom with me that changed my decision.  Together, this friend and I will start working toward a 5K in the early Spring, then a Fall 10K, then look at a half-marathon in 2013.  My friend said she often sets goals based on what she used to could do, which sets her up for disappointment.  I used to run 3-5 miles three times per week.  I could manage a 7 or 8 mile long run and would even be giddy the morning before.  Times have changed.  I don't run consistently, so I'm basically starting over.  I need to treat myself like a new runner.  A new, very slow runner.

--This same friend has challenged me to do a "Reboot" with her.  We start the first phase this week.  Yes, on January 8th, not the 1st!  See what I did there?

A few other resolutions I made this week that have already paid off:
--Fix my hair and put on makeup in the morning.  I'm not much of a makeup and hair girl, so for me, this just means blow-drying my hair so it looks smooth, then putting on some lipstick, eyeliner and blush.  The first day I did this, my husband brought home, with little notice, a co-worker visiting from out of state.  Later in the week, I had just finished applying my eyeliner when a got a phone call from a prospective employer.  It was a videophone call, so being out of my PJs and looking presentable paid off!

--Prioritizing school.  I feel great about how school went this week.  It wasn't perfect and I still need to find more creative ways to motivate the boy, but we accomplished more this week than we have any other week last year.  One way I prioritized was school over a tidy house.  I find myself wanting to clean up every mess the little boys make, but that totally interrupts our school time and distracts the kids.  This week, if I saw a mess, I just told myself, "We have set times during the day to do a quick tidy-up.  We'll take care of that later."

--We completed our first week using Accountable Kids.  The first several days, my older girl and oldest boy didn't seem too motivated to follow the system.  However, when they saw their sister earning tickets, bonus bucks, and stars, they found their motivation!

Here's to us all finding the motivation to accomplish our resolutions in 2012!  If you didn't succeed your first week of 2012, who cares?!  Make the anti-New-Year resolution and just pick up and start now.

On the Fence

I've been met with a challenge: to run a half-marathon in March.  Our boot camp instructor is training a group and guiding weekly long runs beginning in January.  When I asked, one of my girlfriends said she thinks she wants to run it, too.

I've trained for a full marathon.  I've run 13 miles before.  That was six years ago.  I quit after my 13-mile training run because I hated it!  Up until that point, I had loved running.  For some reason, though, that 13-mile run did me in.  I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was running and training alone.  This was before I had a cool iPhone full of hours of audiobooks and podcasts to keep me company.  I listened to music, but could only take so much of that.  Then the iPod shuffle I used died half way through my run, I think.  I just remember being in pain, being bored, and hating it, but also hating myself at the thought of quitting before I completed 13 miles.  When it was over, I felt defeated.  I couldn't imagine running that 13 miles TWICE.  So I quit.  Kind of a theme with me that you'll understand if you've been reading from the beginning.

When I asked my husband, he said, "I'm not stopping you."  I told him I would need his support, which is different than him "not stopping me."  He's on board, but I'm sure he's cautiously optimistic since I've begun training for a few marathons, but never completed training.

Today, I wrote out the 15-week plan.  I'll train with the group for 12 weeks, but I figure why not start now?

It's scary.  Committing to something like this also has the potential to lead to disappoint.  I've set my plan, even added in a 20-pound weight-loss goal.  I know from the past that if I'm not "on track," I get discouraged.  I am much much slower than I was 5 years ago.  I'm carrying more weight.  But, I DO truly enjoy running.  I like the quiet time.  I listen to books, podcasts, and some music, but keep it down low so that I can also focus on breathing.  Often, when I'm listening to a book, half an hour will pass before I realize I've missed an entire chapter because I get lost in my thoughts, talking to God.  Long runs, though, give me a friend to be with.  Even if we don't talk the whole time, there's just something about having someone else encouraging me to keep going.

So, the first deadline before the price raises for race registration is December 15.  Will I commit and register?  Will I actually do it this time?

Thankful for Consistency

It's only been a week and a half, but hey, that's better than the big, fat nothing I've been doing for the past almost year now.

A week ago Monday, I started back to boot camp.  It helps tremendously that four girlfriends are meeting me there.  That really helps me get my butt out of bed on Mondays and Fridays.

Boot camp only meets twice a week, though, and we took off for Thanksgiving week, so that meant it was up to me to get out and do some workouts.

Monday 14: Boot camp
Wednesday 16: 2.5 mile run/walk
Friday: Boot camp
Saturday: Ran/walked 2.5 then 3.11 miles
Tuesday: Ran 2 miles, did some boot camp moves in the middle
Wednesday: Ran/walked with stroller 3.25 miles
Thursday: Rode bike 30 minutes, free weights 15 minutes

I really have no excuse not to get to the gym.  This is my view out my balcony:

See the balcony just above the pool?  That's our very well-stocked, 24-hour gym.  I've only been a handful of times since moving here.

Most people know that fitness is 20% workouts and 80% diet, so I've begun using livestrong.com's My Plate app.  I know from experience that restricting any one type of food does not work for me, so I've just been keeping track of what's going in my mouth.  It helps me decide what's worth it and what is not. Like Beth Moore reminded me in "The LORD God Made Woman,"


Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial.  Everything is permissible, but I will not be mastered by it.  I could have that today if I wanted to, but I don't want to.  Come Thanksgiving, I'm going to have some pecan pie, amen? And I'll bless it and thank God for it. {paraphrased}

Another plus to running? Nice views.

So that's what I've done.  And even with two Thanksgiving dinners during my first week, I still took off two pounds. Pounds.  That's another issue.  In the past, I've let that pesky number master me. (See Beth's reminder of scripture above.) I've let the number on the scale master me.  However, it does prove beneficial for me to keep an eye on my weight or I simply end up neglecting it.  So, I'm purposing to only weigh once per week.  And if I'm not happy with the number, I think back on the positives of the past week and decide to not log my weight for that week.  Often, it's a temporary thing, as my weight can fluctuate 2-4 pounds depending on the time of day, month, or what I might have eaten the day before.

I also used to allow the scale to dictate my moods and alter my decisions.  This time, I'm going to keep doing what I know is good for my health regardless of what the number shows that day.  I'm also asking God to keep me grounded on His Word and who He says I am.  I was thinking back to when I was at my smallest and fittest.  One lady who worked in the nursery at church asked me how I got my stomach so flat.  I was astounded, because I still felt like I was fat.  I told her she didn't see my belly without clothes on and scoffed at her compliment.  Within that same time, another very tall, very thin "friend" of mine told me I was doing well and I was "getting there" with my weight loss.  I was hurt, but also chose to believe her.  I told myself, "See...you ARE still fat.  Even she notices."

This time around, I"m purposing to focus on who God says I am.  I find my worth and definition in Him.

I Corinthians 6:1
"Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything.

Start Over

A couple of months ago, I finally purchased some new music for my iPhone.  One of those was The Afters "Light Up The Sky."

In addition to being a rockin' song that's fun to run with, the lyrics to "We Won't Back Down" carry great mantras.  Here's an excerpt from the lyrics:

We won't back down
We've gotta take our best shot
Give it all we got now
We won't back down
They say we'll never make it
But we're gonna take it all the way

We won't give up, we won't give up
We won't give up, we won't give up


Another inspiring track on the same album is "Start Over."  This song is especially meaningful to me as I "start over" with my workouts. I often don't want to get out to run, go to boot camp, or hit the gym because I feel like I've lost too much ground.  I know that's a lame excuse and this song pumps me up to get out and just DO it! I pasted the entire song here because it's all just good!  It has a great beat for running, too.


The impossible is possible
But your fear is so responsible for keeping you down.
Your unreachable is reachable
But you'll never grab
The wonderful
with your feet on the ground.

If you fall on your face
Don't just leave it to fate
No such thing as too late
It's not too late

To start over, start over, start over
You never have what you want to lose
So pick it up, up, up
Dust off your shoes
Start over, start over, start over
You've gotta find, find, find the other side,
So give it one, one, one more try.
Start over

You only fail
If you never try
You'll never live
Tryin' not to die.
I'm telling you now, I'm telling you now.
Don't ever stop,
Give all you've got
Don't hesitate, to take a shot
It all comes around, it all comes around.

There's so much, so much left to gain
There's so much, so much to lose
You'll never know until know until you make a move.

Walking In Light

I posted this on my other blog, but it fits here, too.  I've gotten more response from this post (via email, Facebook and comments) than I have from just about any other.