21-Day Fix Day 4

Day 4

The Workout

I opted for the Pilates Fix today.  Since no equipment was needed, I did the workout from home.  I recorded half of the workout in time-lapse and thought about sharing it here, but NO WAY!  It's so embarrassing!  Maybe one of these days.  But no.  Really.  No.  But here's a tiny screen shot.

Pilates Fix

When I hit the halfway mark of the workout, Mater (my Jack Russell Terrier) was sitting in front of my face, shaking.  I think he was worried I might die.  I didn't. I lived. I mean, I'm here typing this, so...

But my butt, hips, and core burned!  I mean they were on FIRE! Probably messed up, but I like it. And hate it.  It just feels good to be doing something to get my fitness back!


The Food

I drank my usual coffee shake for breakfast.  I'm almost out of the mix, so it's time to create my own shake!  I had leftover dinner for lunch, then this beautiful meal below for dinner.  I cooked the clean eating e-meals recipe for my family and it worked for me, too!
I couldn't eat it all.  Those containers look so freaking small, but once portion stuff out, it's a lot.  It really helps me see I was visualizing portion sizes incorrectly.  This is 1.5 yellow (carbs), 1.2 green (veggies, the broccoli and mushrooms), and one red (protein).  A teaspoon of olive oil with the potatoes. I ate all of the broccoli, but couldn't eat all of the meat and potatoes.  I had just enough leftovers to save for tomorrow's lunch.

I notice this plan involves clean eating, which has proven to be effective for me.  Adding in the workout portion has been critical.  I could feel my fitness slipping over the past 3 years and know as I move through my 40s, it will only be more difficult to start and maintain.  It feels good to start now.

I'll be meeting with my coach some time this week and can't wait to share that with you all!

21-Day Fix Day 3

Day 3

The Food

Garden-picked veggies and turkey with some salsa.

Had a shake again for breakfast.  Chike Mocha High Protein Coffee is good with a frozen banana mixed in and it helps remove my need to drink my usual sweetened hot coffee in the morning. This weekend, I plan to experiment with making my own "superfood" smoothie.

I had a lunch meeting at Galaxy Cafe, so checked the menu before going and ordered the grilled salmon salad.  For dinner, the family ate burgers and I cooked some turkey and fresh veggies from our next door neighbor's garden!  Again, I wasn't able to eat enough food to fill every container.

At around 10pm, I started craving sugar. I just drank some water because I really wasn't hungry.  Now it's 11pm and I'm so sleepy, I don't care about the sugar craving any more.




The Workout

My legs are sore!  The act of sitting down is, well, something.  My butt is sore!  So I was thrilled to do Upper Fix today.  Again, I set up at YMCA (DVD sound off, closed captions on, earbuds in for my own separate soundtrack), and did the 30 minutes.  It didn't kill me like the Cardio Fix and Dirty 30, but I couldn't do several of the exercises for the full 60 seconds without breaking: plank, push ups, and one of the ab exercises.  Now I have a goal to work toward. 5 hours after the workout, I was feeling it in my obliques.  Good to know they are still in there somewhere.

21-Day Fix Day 2

Day 2

The Food:

I started my day with another protein shake. I'm not drinking Shakeology right now, because $$$$!! I do not enjoy the taste of stevia, so it feels counterintuitive to pay $4+ per shake for something I don't like that much.  I've been reading up on making my own shakes with quality protein powder, super greens, frozen fruits, etc.  I'll keep working on my own blends and sampling other brands and let you know what I come up with.  I love protein shakes and smoothies, so this is fun for me!  I truly wish I liked Shakeology, but unless the recipe has changed vastly over the past 3 years, I can't stand the taste. 

I made a 21-Day Fix crepe since my kids asked me to make their favorite "Joy of Cooking" crepe for brunch. 

Crepe: 1 red, 2 yellow (cashew milk and flour), 2 oils, 1 purple if you add fruit!

• 2 eggs
• 1/3 cup of original cashew milk
• 2 tsp coconut oil, blended with a few tablespoons of hot water to keep the oil in liquid form
• 1/4 cup unbleached flour (or GF flour substitute)
• Top with any 21-Day Fix approved food. Berries are my favorite choice, but you could use nut butters, cacao nibs, cheeses, etc. 

For lunch, my younger daughter and I shared a simple salad with grilled chicken. For dinner, we met friend out at my favorite Thai place, Sap's. Their Tom Kha soup is ahhhmazing and a clean meal. I ate a portion that would fit in my plan and it was perfect.  We have lots of leftovers.  This is the second day when 2 blue portions made sense for me (the coconut milk used in the soup), so I feel good about it.

I'm lacking vegetables, though. Even with the salad I ate today, I had 2 greens at best.  I should be eating 4-5.  Time to work in zoodles!

I miss my slightly sweetened coffee, but I'll find my coffee perfection at some point.

The Workout:

One thing is clear. I'm out of shape. For someone who has historically been athletic, I'm SO out of it right now. The upside is that I'll see a lot of fitness progress over the next 21 days!

I got up this morning and decided to hit the cardio workout first thing.  I like Autumn's style of leading the workout and got off to a great start.  Then 15 minutes in, which is the half-way point, I started feeling nauseated!! I literally couldn't continue.  I had to stop and put my head down between my knees.  One mistake I made was to drink a smoothie right before starting the workout.  Won't be doing that again.  The other factor is just that I've not been physically active lately, let alone challenging myself.  So, it. kicked. my. butt!  

I let a bit of time pass, did some prepping of my house for the house cleaner to come (yes, I do that), threw a little pity party for myself, then later in the afternoon, carted my Macbook with me to the YMCA and did my workout there.  I'm not opting to purchase weights at the moment, but the YMCA has everything I need and more.  

My set-up. Behind me are more weights, yoga balls, mats,
balance platforms, and more.

Once I arrived and turned on the DVD, I realized the workout I'm "supposed" to do today (Upper Fix) wasn't on the DVD I had with me, so I opted for "Dirty 30."  It swiftly kicked my butt, but I did get through 25 minutes before wanting to die, and I stuck through the final 5 minutes.  One particular exercise, side-plank leg-raises, makes my hip cramp up SO badly that I can't even do it. What's up with that?!

When I headed downstairs after my workout, my legs almost buckled under me!  Noodle legs instantly!

Overall, I feel great. It's 9pm and my lower body and shoulders are already feeling "noodle-y." I actually love that feeling, so bring it on!

21-Day Fix Day 1

Day 1

The Food:

It's obvious I work well under a strict plan of eating. I'm in place where I just need someone to tell me what to eat for now.  This won't be forever, but it's exactly right for me now.

When I saw the tiny portion containers that Annmarie gave me for the 21-Day Fix, my thought was this is going to suck.   It didn't!  In fact, I didn't even meet the max portions for everything.

Major news!! I drank coffee without sugar and survived!

Using Pages, I created this checklist. I'll share the .jpg file.  Feel free to use it.

The last block in red, green and yellow are greyed out because I borderline between two categories, so I'm allowed a max, but it won't hurt if I'm under that max on those categories.  After day one, I realized I need to up my veggies (of course) and even protein (which should be easy).  One contention and possible change I will make is the blue container. The program stipulates I have one per day, but I think I'll allow myself 2.  Since I will not be eating 3-4 yellows most days, I do want the ability to increase the "good fats" that are the blue container.  I'd even rather increase the blue in exchange for the oils. I love avocado, hummus, coconut milk, and nuts...so limiting to one very small serving (1/4 avocado for example) isn't fun!  I know it's ideal to follow the program strictly, but I think this is a good adjustment for me.  I'll ask my coach if she agrees! :)

The Workout:

I made the mistake of not working out in the early morning, so didn't do the workout today. Since it's cardio, I'll pair up two workouts on Day 2. 

21-Day Fix

"Fix"
I'm not totally fond of that term in the way Beachbody intends it. Like somehow if I shed some pounds I'll be "fixed."  But at the same time, it fits my situation.

If you click back through this blog, covering a span of years, you'll see clearly there is an issue with my body/spirit connection that needs to be fixed.  My last post was over a year ago. I was in a great place and cautiously optimistic.  The caution came from years of stops and starts, weight loss and weight gain, caring and not  caring.

Well, here I am 13 months after my last post, having lost 23 pounds before fall 2015, then gaining almost every single pound back since.  That is my pattern.

I recently listened to one of my favorite podcasts, This American Life.  "Tell Me I'm Fat" was an excellent episode. I highly recommend reading or listening (transcript available through the link). Writer Lindy West shared her story of "fat acceptance."  She actually began "coming out" as fat.  Even though her friends and family could see her, it was like a dirty secret no one talked about, so she started coming out: stating factually to those around her that, "I'm fat. And I'm okay with that. I like who I am and I like my size."  She challenges people to alter their standard of beauty.  Explore why you define beauty the way you do.  Who influences your thoughts and why?

Her boss, on the other hand, adamantly argued with her that "fat acceptance" is foolish due to the health risks.  He deemed fat rolls as "unsightly" and publicly shamed fat people in his articles.

Another woman, Roxane Gay, hasn't yet come to a place of loving her body. She talks about how she differentiates "Lane Bryant fat" with "can't buy conventional clothes or sit in conventional chairs" fat. Roxane is also a woman of color and discusses that angle of how people perceive her.

Listening to the podcast made me realize I'm certainly not okay with being fat.  I'm not like Lindy, who truly came to a place where she sees herself and other fat people as perfectly fine just the way they are.  I'll be honest and say that I try to not judge other people, but I do. I literally size people up. And it has everything to do with me and nothing to do with them. It's my own mess in my head and that is what needs to be fixed. So I wonder, is my perception because of society's definition and push of an ideal beauty?  Is it because I personally don't feel "right" when I'm overweight?  Is it because I don't believe our human bodies were designed by God to carry so much extra weight?

I do not, and have not for many many years, feel that I, nor anyone else,  should meet the ideals pushed on us by media and even government standards of "health."  Those BMI calculators have always been a joke. Even when I've been at my lowest weight and peak physical performance, I'm still considered to be at the top range of "normal weight."  If I'm 5'4" and 146 pounds, which would be a very healthy, good place for me (even 155 would be a good weight for my body), I would be considered overweight.

So, it's clear that the "fix" is more for my brain than anything.  Reading my last blog, I was doing well and not seeing a regression in sight. But by November, I was rapidly increasing my sugar and wheat intake and the weight gain followed instantly.

It's tempting to go back and delete this entire blog. It's embarrassing to read my confident statements, my expressed resolve, then admit I am where I am now.

But I'm keeping it there.  The truth is the truth.  I'm starting the 21-Day Fix today, then meeting with a friend who happens to also be a personal trainer, Beachbody coach, and life coach.

Added to this physical journey is a spiritual aspect I'll share later.

Let me admit freely. I'm not really looking forward to this.

Coming up: Daily Report
How to Do 21-Day Fix on a Budget

Thorns and Switches

It's been six and a half weeks since I embarked on the new way of eating.  Something is different this time around.  A switch has been turned off.  It's no small thing, either.  This is something I've prayed about for years and years.  I can't count the times I've begged God to "take this thorn from my side."  He didn't, for whatever reason.  My "thorn" was overeating, dieting, losing and gaining weight, and constantly thinking about and being dissatisfied with my weight.

This time, it's different.  For the first time since...I don't know when...ever?  I don't eat when I'm not hungry, because I don't want to.  When I'm full, I stop eating.  For many of you, this may have been your norm for your entire life, but it hasn't been for mine.  I vividly remember in my late elementary days, going to a friend's house and seeing a huge chocolate bar in her closet.  She pulled it out, took one bite, then put it back up in the closet.  She had been eating chunks off it for weeks and weeks.  I was shocked that anyone could keep candy in their own room and not eat it all instantly.  It was a complete foreign concept to me.

As an adult, I've certainly had a sugar addiction.  While I could keep a certain sugary treat around for a few days, it was only because I was eating other sugary stuff multiple times daily.  That seemed to falsely tell my body I was still hungry, because I was always eating something.  I don't think I went more than a couple of hours without putting something in my mouth.  I felt constantly over-full.  Like I've said before, I never binge-ate any one thing, but would "graze" all day with either food or drinks, the calories adding up and up and up while my weight followed.  My mind was constantly consumed (pun intended) with either food, weight, how full I felt, or how disgusted I was with myself.  Yet I kept shoving stuff down my throat.

Over the past six weeks, there's been a shift.  I eat when I'm hungry.  Often, I get hungry (my stomach actually growling/cramping to tell me I need to eat) and let the hunger pass because I'm not where I can eat something good for me.  The hunger passes, then returns and I eat when I can.  I don't die.  I don't pass out.  I don't binge once I get access to the healthy food.  I feel so hungry sometimes, I think I'll eat a lot, but then I eat a small amount of food and find myself full.   So I stop.  Typing it out, it seems like "of course.. this is how it should be."  But it hasn't been like this for me; even when I've lost weight before, I spent a lot of my time meal-planning, looking at recipes, thinking about different foods to try.  That's not happening now.  I keep healthy choices on hand, plan my family's meals for the week, and eat when I'm hungry, which seems to happen 2-4 times a day, depending on my activity that day and what I'm eating.

By the way, I've had a 3-pack of Trader Joe's dark chocolate with almonds in my closet for a week now.  Every 2 or 3 days, I'll eat a square.  I've not even made it through one bar yet.  I forget it's there.  When I see it, I don't always want it.  This is an amazing breakthrough for me.

I've thanked God for taking the thorn from my side, but I also feel cautious in doing so.  I feel like I'm being cocky; like when God hears me, he'll pull the rug out from under me.  I KNOW that's not how God works, but that's what runs through my messed-up mind.

I'm down about 15 pounds.  Weight loss seems to come in waves.  I'll lose a couple-to-3 pounds in one week, then not lose anything the next week.  I weigh every day, but still don't let the flatlines or small weight gains discourage me.  Weighing every day helps me remember my goals and keeps me on track.  For the first time, I don't hate the scale.  I am who I am and am okay with myself, no matter what the numbers read.

I have not been working out during these six weeks, but this week, I started back to heated Vinyasa yoga at my gym.  I forgot how much I love it!  It felt SO good on Wednesday night, then I was sore everywhere on Thursday.  Friday, I did a restorative yoga class, then was back to Vinyasa this morning.  As for now, I adore going.  I'm not going to push myself to run or do any activity I dread.  Today, our family went hiking, which is another activity I love and have plenty of opportunity to do in this town!

30 Days of the Whole(ish)30

Tomorrow marks 30 days without grains or sugar.  I refer to what I'm doing as the Whole30, although I'm doing an altered version of the strict 30-day plan.  One-and-a-half years ago, I did the strict Whole30 and had success, but didn't see myself keeping up that pace for the rest of my life.  After putting on even more weight during 2014, then reading so much about food and how it effects mental wellness, I decided something had to give.

Since I didn't follow the Whole30 Program Rules to the letter, what did I do?  Below, in bold, are the program rules along with my own comments explaining what I have been doing over the past 30 days and how I plan to live from here on out.

Yes: Eat real food.
--> I did this.

No: Avoid for 30 days.

• Do not consume added sugar of any kind, real or artificial.
  --> I used CoffeeMate Naturals in my coffee every morning. I also made just a couple of recipes, such as orange chicken stir-fry, with a little bit of coconut nectar.  I won't hesitate to use maple syrup on my paleo crepes or protein pancakes.
• Do not consume alcohol in any form, not even for cooking.
  --> I didn't consume alcohol. To me, it's not worth the calories/weight gain.
• Do not eat grains.
  --> I followed this to the letter, except for two special occasions. (see below)
• Do not eat legumes.
  --> I followed this until day 29, when I made my corn and bean salad. As long as legumes don't upset my stomach, I'll occasionally include them in my diet.
• Do not eat dairy.
  --> I used the CoffeeMate Naturals every morning and also had yogurt one day. 
• Do not consume carrageenan, MSG or sulfites.
  --> This is pretty easy when you're not eating processed foods.
• Do not try to re-create baked goods, junk foods, or treats* with “approved” ingredients. 
  --> While I didn't re-create baked goods, I did enjoy some "junk foods" with whole ingredients.  See some of my favorites here.  I made sweet potato french fries a few times and snacked on some potato chips (only ones made with only potatoes, oil and salt) on a few occasions.  These convenience foods were very handy when we were on our road trip and while we went camping last week.  While the family enjoys s'mores, it's a lot more fun to be enjoying Go Raw's Super Chocolate Cookies than to have nothing. I also attended a wedding for the first time in years. While there, I enjoyed a very small piece of wedding cake. Eating is social and fun; this is where I've been able to come to a place of balance over the past 30 days.  I much more enjoyed the people, conversations and celebrations than I did the food that happened to be in front of me.

One last and final rule: You are not allowed to step on the scale or take any body measurements for the duration of the program.
-->I did weigh myself, almost every day.  I've found that I don't weigh when I know I'm gaining weight.  Because of the balance I'm finding, I'm able to weigh and not feel like giving up when the numbers don't move.

If you read from the beginning of this blog, you'll see that I've struggled with weight and body issues for 85% of my life.  During my adult life, my weight has ranged from 130 to 215.  Even at my lowest weight, I wasn't satisfied with my body.  I certainly wasn't happy with my priorities during that time.  Looking back on old photos, I can see now that I looked nice, but just always felt like a blob.  This time around, I'm trying to focus on being content and even happy with myself at each turn. I remind myself that my friends have always liked me and been there for me regardless of what the scale says. I'm the only one hating myself for my weight.  The weight needs to come off for my well-being, not for my ego.  Do I feel good about myself when the weight comes off? Yes!  Will I enjoy being thinner?  Yes.  This time around, I'm just not making that the focus.  If you're curious about the numbers, I've lost 12 pounds over the past month. Eight pounds came off during the first 10 days, then 4 more pounds dropped over the next 20.

As with the first time I did the Whole30, I noticed that I haven't obsessed over food. I haven't craved food nor have I over-eaten.  There is certainly something in processed food that makes me want to keep eating it despite being full.  It also seems that sugar fuels my craving for more sugar.  For the past 30 days, food has been fuel and not an addiction.  That is why, on the camping trip, I ate a bite of s'mores and then stopped because I truly didn't want to eat more. In addition, I had no guilt over eating it.  I'm praying this new way my brain works will continue.

Eating like this can be time-consuming.  It can also cost more.  An apple costs more than a box of mac and cheese.  I can buy 2-3 12-oz. bags of Doritos for the price I pay for one 4 oz. Go Raw snack.  An 8-pack of nitrate-free, organic, all-beef hot dogs costs 4 times what "regular" hot dogs cost.  A dozen organic eggs cost about $1.50 more than non-organic.  One pound of organic grass-fed beef costs at least $2.50 more than the usual ground beef.  When you have a family of 7, all of whom enjoy snacking, that adds up to more money and more time in the kitchen.  There are times I feel like I'm constantly chopping, preparing, and cleaning up food.  (A mandolin is my next kitchen purchase!)  While my grocery bill is higher, we have saved no less than $30 per week not eating out or buying sodas and sweet tea, so it all comes out in the wash.

The kids are eating very little sugar and only some grains.  My child who has been struggling with depression has not adopted the Whole30 program yet, but is doing well in that she's reducing sugar and grains.  This kid is totally blowing me out of the water at the gym.  She sometimes goes twice a day to work out or swim, then spends some time in the steam room, hot tub and shower.  Lifetime Fitness has been a great coping technique for this child. I'm proud of her.

To further update you about her, she's currently off all psych/mood medications. As her psychiatrist stated, she'd like to get to know my child "without the muddy waters."  The combination of getting off her meds plus quitting all the grains and sugar "cold turkey" was overwhelming.  My child felt she didn't have any control over her own body and choices.  Therefore, she's making changes on her own timeline.   Even with the positive changes she's making, her weight continues to go up.  We are in the process of getting a referral to an endocrinologist to see if her thyroid is wreaking havoc on her body.  That poor girl!  Her body suffers so much.  Her mind is still giving her a lot of trouble, too, but she's been coping.  I'm ready for her body and mind to give her a break and support the amazing person she is instead of weighing her down and holding her back.  As always, your prayers are coveted!

In my next post, I'll share a bit about how I'm feeling different since adopting this way of eating.